Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Today, I hate being a mother.

This has been one of those mornings where I just want to bang my head on something, beat the crap out of a tree with a baseball bat, stuff my kids in a box and mail them to Timbuktu and then crawl back in bed and get 8 hours of sleep.
Ds was up and ready to play at 5:15. Yawn. I don't like mornings. I think 7am is early. I hate waking up before the sun is up. Not only that, but he wakes up in the most annoying way. Anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes before he actually wakes up, he starts tossing and turning and squirming and "talking" in his sleep. It's impossible to sleep through all that, which means that I'm awake long before he actually opens his eyes.

Then El was up about 5:50. I made her get in my bed and at least pretend to sleep until the sun was up.

And of course I can't take a crap or a bath in peace. I forget what Em wanted while I was trying to use the bathroom, but whatever it was, she wanted it RIGHT NOW. Then they wanted in the bathtub with me. Now, believe me when I say that there is no way in hell I am going to miss this part of their childhoods. No way. Having two kids standing over you alternatly demanding to get in with you, leaning over and playing in the water (read, getting themselves wet) or asking what you are doing is not my idea of a fun bath.

Whacha doing Mommy? No! You need to leave the air under your arms, just like daddy (yeah, I bet daddy would love that). Why are you taking the hair off your legs? What's that? What's wrong with you!?!?

This last comment leads to me looking around in bewilderment as they point to some nonexistent flaw on some part of my body. It's enough to make a person feel a bit paranoid.

And next we had the temper tantrum over clothes. I seriously wonder what the hell we are doing wrong with Em. She has the worst temper, which is not a bad thing, but apparently we are failing utterly in teaching her how to control it. This morning it was because she didn't want to wear a sweater and it 20 degrees out. Kicking, screaming and crying over it. I ended up letting her pick out a shirt because the sweater I wanted her to wear was too small.

I try to avoid these fights by letter her pick out her own clothes, but t-shirts when it's freezing out don't cut it.

And the baby was screaming the entire time this was going on, making my stress level go through the roof.

So, I was very glad to pack them off the preschool. But of course ds isn't wanting to nap, so I still don't have any peace and quite.

101 comments:

mewho said...

I don't like being a mother either most days. Before I had my kids I was different; I was focused & organized, I was pretty and put together. Today, I am tired, over weight, frumpy & grumpy. I know I need to be a better role model for my children, but I'm too tired and overwhelmed to make time for myself. I used to get to relax, sometimes I was even bored! Relaxing is entirely under-rated by most that have it, they wonder what the big deal is about having a scheduled 1/2 hour lunch break and they complain about commutes to and from work - if they only knew the restoring effects thirty minutes to oneself promotes.
I am Mom to two young kids under five. I do want the best for my kids, I do love my kids, I want to be the best for my kids, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to work.

These pressures have exhausted me!

The empty nest Moms we run into out in the world feel compelled to warn us that we need to cherish the daily hell they know we go through for soon our babies will be grown and gone...and now I add to my worry that the daily hell, stress and redundancy will someday have stolen who I am, isn't that why they are so sad to have controlled quiet and peace once again.
I know that every experience on earth is a test, we pass or we fail. How do I study for motherhood? Where do I learn how to be good at it, how to enjoy it?

Erika said...

I have two kids under 3.

I don't even have enough enery to construct a coherent well thought out paragraph.

The house is a mess. No matter how much I clean my handy work is destroyed within at most a couple of hours from when it's done.

Ofcourse, this seems cliche, but my husband thinks I sit at home and watch TV all day. (Not the case) and yes, I need to communicate to him that I'm working my ass off---I have been communicating my ass off, but the only thing that isn't coming off is my ass.

Nothing is happening. I feel so discouraged. I am tired of bodily fluids. I am tired of being jumped on, bit, spit on, peed on, and just generally not being treated like a human being...

yes....they're kids. I get it. They don't mean to hurt you, but here's the kicker--they do! It's abuse, and I'm tired of being the martyr because I'm the mom.

I think I'm going to have a nervous break down...but hey, being the mom there's no time for that. Gotta get back to the grind, thanks for listening.

rubyq123 said...

I am so glad that I found your blog and the accompanying comments. I have a 6 month old baby and am feeling completely overwhelmed...and she's not even in the "difficult" stage yet.

I have searched for other mom's perspectives who feel this way yet the only thing I can find are those who say things like "why don't you give your child up for adoption to someone who will actually appreciate it?" and "it sounds like you are still a child yourself" (I am most definitely NOT a child) and "don't you know what a blessing you have been given?" Talk about guilt!! Where's the support from other mothers? It's not like I am saying "I hate my child". There's nothing wrong with hating being a mother occasionally because it's a really tough and awful job at times.

If you work outside the home, no one would expect you to love each and every day of work.

I also used to be organized, focused, driven, and put together. Now, I'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I can hardly find time to brush my teeth. I'm disgusting and disgusted at what I have become. This isn't at all what I expected. I'm not enjoying it as much as everyone told me I would. Maybe it changes, but for now I feel really miserable and riddled with guilt for feeling this way because I do love my baby. Each day I find myself saying "God , I'm terrible at this. Why can't I get anything right with this child? Why can't I satisfy this child?" Maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mother. Maybe my previous two miscarriages were messages that I shouldn't have children.

weekmomma said...
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weekmomma said...

I am a 23 year old single mother of a 2 year old.
My daily life is a mess, I have no one to babysit my child so I can go and take a walk by myself when i feel stressed. I have no money for daycare so I can go work..I sit at home on welfare because I have no other means to support my child..I used to have a good job, I made enough money to support myself, but even if I went to work, it would be minimum wage because I have no experience and no education.
I was raised in violence, my mother tormented me my whole life, so I went out one night, got drunk and made a baby with a man I don't even know...Now i'm stuck in this shit hole of an apt I call home, because I was too stupid to realize what having a baby and raising it alone would be. I thought to myself "i'm gonna raise this child right and do everything my mother didn't do for me" and that's what keeps me going day after day of doing the same ol thing, having no money to go ne wheres and barely eating..But god gave me this ghift, and i'm going to love him with all my heart...But is it ok to hate being a mother?? I really hate having a kid, but I love him and i'm gonna quote my mother "OH WELL"-

kiwilgrl said...

Let's face it ladies - being a mother is a role that contravines any health and safety / holiday act / sick leave provisions...and, dare I say, and human needs that other people on this planet take for granted. It sucks. It's dull. It's nerve-wracking. It takes even the most educated and intelligent of us and kills us. The kicker is the people without children talk about how dull we are. If you happen to be one of those parents blessed with an incredible bond which means nothing is more fascinating than your child...great! You can look forward to your friends taking the piss out of you and saying how boring you are to listen to. Now who the hell would glisten with intellect and wisdom after a 12 hour shift (on the 35th day), no breaks and personal development opportunities that only involve sick and play-do. Yeah sure we love them...but it takes a village. Doing it alone don't work (I had 3 under 4). Good luck to us!

Chrissie said...

Oh thank god I am not the only one! I agree "Today, I hate being a mum too".

I have two children, 5 years and 22 months, and god they fight and scream at each other. My 5 year old just doesn't listen to anything we say. Everything revolves around them, the house, the wife, the mother. But what about ME!!! God I agree with one of the comments about people moaning about 30 minute lunch break, what a blooming luxury. We are doing the smiley faces, the sad faces and point charts and nothing seems to bother our 5 year old. She just doesn't listen.

Then the media has a nerve to blame the parents, well crap because we are doing everything we can and nothing is working. I honestly don't know what to do! I just don't cope with stress and really wonder why the hell I ever went in for children.
Don't get me wrong I love them to bits and want them to be good kids and not be affected by any of this when they are older. But it does worry me! It's constant negotiating over everything, WHEN will it get better, because I am really unhappy at the moment! I am even training to become a TA so I can have the holidays off the same time! But even that is for them and really not for me. So yet again my life is fitting around them!

Jennifer said...

me too, ladies! i have a 18 month and a 2 month old and i am so depressed, overwhelmed, anxious and upset. and no, its not ppd - its the fact that i know this isn't going to get better until they are school aged. I dont even have enough time to type this because my kids are waking up at this unholy hour of 6:45. This is not what i expected it to be like. they are taking everything out of me.

hotmama said...

When I typed in "hate being a mom" on google, I didn't think I would find anything, but I'm glad I found this. My husband and I had 4 kids in five years, including a set of twins. I use to be an overachiever, on the fast track. But as a stay at home mom, I feel like I am on a rat wheel. I have NO idea how to keep my house clean and orderly most of the time. (Oh great the twins are fighting now). I just want to sleep sometimes. But anyway, I actually had some time to think recently and I think we moms are just TOO HARD on ourselves and that is part of what makes some of us overwhelmed and depressed, like me. I expect too much, and I end up doing less and less. You are already a great mother, as am I. Our children are really blessed to have us. We can relax, ask for more help and know we are not alone.

Northstar said...

I am so glad I found this too! I have had a day from hell with my 2 under age three! My husband came through the door after work and I just said " I am so done today---the kids ahve eaten, your dinner is ready, but I am going upstairs!"

I love my children---and for the most part I love being a wife and mother...BUT there are times when I am completely overwhelmed by this job. I am educated and had a career before all this. I can relate to so much of what so many of you posted...now I can't seem to keep it together on a daily basis...I am only dressed if we have plans to go out, I can't keep the house orderly (I have 2 imps that undo any strightening I do), and today I found myself in tears three times...

As someone mentioned, they are children, and they don;t mean it but sometimes they do some pretty disruptive, destructive things...and today my daughters mood set the tone of the day---and though I fought my hardest to stay in a good mood---by the time we waited in the doctors office for over an hour for the two of them to get flu shots, all my resolve had dissolved and I was worn down.

We got home, got through a whiney, cranky, lunch and my daughte went down for a nap...my son, however, refused to nap, and instead screamed and screamed...after naps it was just a crankipalooza comlete with food and tantrum throwing.

Anyway--at this point I just have to say that I am glad to have read this tonight. I really needed to hear that I am not alone in my feelings. And it does not make us bad mothers (despite the cumbersome guilt trips that burden us even more). If you look at everything that we have to do all day, from the bodily fluids, to the "abuse", to the "rat wheel" or it all---it really is not what many of us envisioned. Admitting that, however, does not negate the small moments of beauty that we do experience, and this is the complicated joy of being a mother.

Emacula said...

It's not everyday that I hate being a mother. Just most days. I realize that I did this to myself and I have to "do my time". But this is overwhelming sometimes. I feel so held back, stressed out, irritated and depressed by this whole thing. I am literally counting down the days until she leaves to go to college. 2,800 days. I feel like a person in prison. But I just want my life back. I feel wrong in a way but I really just want to be free.

andy said...

hi there i just found this web site and it made my day.
I have had a busy and stressfull morning and wondering how everyone else out there copes and now i know that im not alone thanks.
i have a 19month old and 4 yr old

phia+fam said...

i really wondered what would come up when i posted 'i hate being a mother'. and here you all are. and you sound sane too (like I am/used to be). goodness me. i have a wonderful life, or so it seems. lovely partner, lovely bonny boy, but i just can't get it together. i don't hate HIM, i just can't get into the swing of being a mother (he is 9months). There is so much baggage about identity, self, ego, expectations, - therapists would be in business for years (if we could afford/have time to go to one)!. sigh. he is lovely, but part of me does wish i coudl give him to a loving home where he would be cherished the way he should. i don't want him to see him ma crying, and alternatively raging 'i can't do this!'. he wakes up 7 times per night, and wants feeding. i am too weak and stupid to do anything else, so end up SO tired and wrecked. my husband is being amazing, but i don't like myself like this. i want to love life, all the different facets of being alive and on the planet, but i just fail time and time again to see the bigger picture and realise that 'this too will pass'. years of buddhist meditation practice just has gone out the window as I fantasise about suicide and wish myself away, far away. (but I won't do it - ) life is hard, but I wish I could have the wisdom to see the point of it all. thanks for this blog.

wesley's ma said...

Finally someone else who feels this way. I love my 13 month old, but hate being a mom. The constant crying and whinning. Struggles over eating and sleeping. My husbands like he's only a baby. I know he's only a baby I know he doesn't mean it but make him shut up and leave me alone! No money for a daycare I miss my friends having fun going out to the movies. My figure which is now huge. I wonder everyday, when will I enjoy him and this new life?

Jennifer said...

It's so wonderful and painful and relieving to find this blog.
I'm a 27 year old mother of two, ages 10 months and 23 months. Most of the time I walk around in a daze, hoping people don't notice the snot wiped on my coat or the bags under my eyes. I feel ancient, decrepit, what's worse is that my husband is successful and interesting. I had ambition once to write and be taken seriously, but now I'm just useless. I have a college degree, but can't even imagine now how I would go about writing an essay, how to engage in a conversation about anything other than poop and teething.
I hate my body and I hate what I've become. I too live far from family and friends as we've relocated for my husband's career. I've no babysitter, no relatives, no one to talk to but my children who can't speak yet. I don't see any way out of this gilded cage of a life. Today, and most days, I hate being a mother... we're treated worse than animals. What will become of us?

Val said...

I came across your blog and found it to be very insightful. I am developing an online parenting video show geared towards parents looking for solutions to the ongoing problems they experience while parenting (including many of the ones mentioned in this blog). I would like to find moms & dads to participate in the show (ones preferably based in NYC). If you are interested please contact me at vvisconti@merrow.org. Thanks!

readytoblow said...

Wow this is a huge find for me. I have been about ready to explode for several months now. I think i have developed full blown depression at this point. Being a mother of a 6 and 5 year old has completely robbed me of everything i ever was or wanted to be. I am so tired all the time i cannot even begin to concentrate. I have lost all of the fun and interesting person I used to be. Now nothing really interests me and when it does i dont have the energy to go for it. I used to be very social and energetic. Everything is gone. What can I do when there is no money to spend on things like the gym or yoga or any kind of stress management? I work all day and then take care of them at night. My husband is a good father but he causes a great deal of friction with the girls. I have to find some way to get myself back and enjoy life again. But right now I am not sure how that will ever happen. if anyone has any good ideas or stress management techniques, please share them! i am at my wits end, ready to run off and live for just me and forget about it.

Elaine said...
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Elaine said...
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Elaine said...

I have a four month old son. In that short time I have lost the ability to hold an interesting conversation. I used to be eloquent, and articulate but now I stutter when I speak. The only thing I do excellently is speak in baby speak. What have I become? What is this strange life I am now living? Am I destined to be a slave to my child for the next 18 years? I now feel more stupid than all my peers as well as my husband. I am having an identity crisis. I never dreamed I would feel this helpless, useless, disorganized and dumb. I don't know how some mothers seem to be able to run an organized household, keep it clean, put food on the table and still have time to be a wife. Hats off to the mothers who can pull it off.

I am almost always grumpy. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that this were not my life. Often I feel like I want to run away. I get the feeling that some of my child free friends pity me. Some envy me... but I feel like taking them aside and telling them 'Don't have kids! Your life will be over!"

As well as looking after my baby full time. I am trying to hold a job, working from home. Let's see how long that will last before my boss fires me.

I don't like baking cupcakes and decorating them with smiley faces. I don't like playing 'clap clap hands' and 'peekaboo' more than 20 times in a row 4 times day. I want to have a real job but I can't afford childcare and I feel too protective of my child to be completely comfortable with the idea of daycare for extended periods of time.

I am completely frustrated with the responsibility of having a child and depressed about the life I gave up. But when my son smiles at me or even when he cries, it is so adorable that I can't help but doing whatever he wants and thinking how lucky I am to have a little baby to cuddle, who loves me more than anything else in the world.

Jennifer said...

I just wanted to say thank you to all of the women who have posted on here. It's taboo these days to say we hate our lives, when all of the marketing says this is what we should want.
Thanks to Elaine who just posted, and to everyone who posted before. I have more bad days than good, but today is a good day, and I'm thankful for all of you being so honest and letting me add my own post when I don't feel like there's anyone else I can say these things to. Thank you.
We're still here underneath all this spit-up and mushed banana!

annietirona said...
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helpmeimtired said...
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helpmeimtired said...

Lately I just hate being a mom. I have a 7, 5, 3 and 7 mo old and I work 30+ hours a week from home as an IT consultant. I finally broke down a couple months ago and got help with the kids so I could work in "peace", but it is still frustrating. In between conference calls and deadlines I'm still constantly having to stop tantrums, resolve issues, and deal with the day to day stuff. I've run into so many older moms who warn me that this time goes by so fast, which makes me cry. I hate that I HAVE to work. I am the breadwinner and we NEED my salary. I HATE that things are so chaotic and that this time that is so precious and goes by so fast basically is making horrible memories for me and the kids. I've even told my kids I hate them. What kind of monster mother am I?? I feel so trapped. So trapped. My husband is very sweet but is tired of hearing me complain. He doesn't get mad, he just doesn't want to talk about it. It's like talking to a brick wall. Absolutely no response at all from him. Nothing. Not out of spite, I guess he just doesn't know what to say. It is what it is. I wish he could just understand that I feel like I"m carrying the weight of the world dealing with ALL the bills, household, child related stuff, AND trying to bring home the bacon. I'm just so tired. So very tired. And I feel so resentful listening to the other SAHM's who complain about husbands who get home late, kids stuff. FU!! I do ALL that AND have to WORK a very stressful job. My husband comes home late, too. He doesn't make the money your husbands do. I feel like my load is so much more, but what do I know.

Ciara said...

I googled "i hate being a mother" and found your blog. Thank you for being honest and having a space where we moms can vent. I hope to encourage all of the moms of younger children by telling you that it does get easier. My daughter is 9 yrs old. I've been through many stages with her. The toughest in my opinion is newborn to about 3 yrs. Life gets easier when they can wipe their own butts, bathe themselves , feed themselves, dress themselves. When they get into school you will find some of your me-time back. It's the hardest, most frustrating job in the world to constantly pour your energy and time into someone who doesn't yet appreciate any of it. You are not alone in how you feel. Don't dare feel guilty. Sometimes I still hate being a mom when I work hard to get my daughter some of the things that she wants and she doesn't appreciate it. I get tired of constantly training her and staying on her about doing this & that. I'm tired of constantly reminding her to do stuff that she did better when she was 3. But things are much better now than when she was a toddler. Hang in there ladies. Soon you will have time for yourself and be able to reconnect. You will be able to get your body back and find time for friends. It's a frustrating process but please just hang in there.

Minaal said...

Thanks for this forum.Phia+fam, you could be me. My baby boy is 7 months old. I love him so much, but I can't help not liking this role I for some reseon signed up for... I often fantasize about faking my own death and escaping it all. Everyone seems to be so perfect in their roles, feeling what they ought to feel etc. I feel like an imposter at my own home. :((

madmomma said...

Wow.....to all of you who have left a comment thank you! It is nice to know there are regular mothers out there just like me! My son is 8 and my daughter is 6. I feel like I could run away some days....TRULY! My son is such a good boy but my daughter......well that is a whole other story. She is rude and disrepectful and trust me I do not let her get away with this. There are days I could give her away. She has always been such a handful. Everything with her is a full time fight and it makes me so tired. I love her to death but since she has turned five she has just gotten worse. My son has his moments as well, he is not the golden child but far and few between. They fight constantly and it makes my blood boil. I once pulled the car over and got out and told them we were sitting there until they could stop arguing. Nine times out of ten it's my daughter who truly has started the fight over things like the color of the SKY!
My husband had one of those stay at home PTA, clean, clean,team mom,scout leader, everything in it's place, still cleaned his room til he was 17 kinda moms. I can not measure up to this....this is not me I HATE IT!! I was raised to do things on my own in order to take care of myself. Husband does not agree. He thinks I shuld do everything for them and jump when they say jump. NO!! My god I would run myself into my grave if I jumped everytime my children need something. He gets annoyed at me if I tell them they can get it, by god they are 6 & 8 and my daughter knows this and feeds into it and he does not see it!!
Shall we get into the noise level of the house.......OMG....LETS ALL SCREAM JUST A BIT LOUDER! Those are the days I want to run away. I love them both but holy cow if I had a crystal ball eight years ago I would have never done this. Maybe one child thats it!! Thanks to the mom who said we are being to hard on ourselves.Maybe we are not....maybe it's others who are setting an unrealistic example of motherhood making us feel like we can not measure up and feel guilty? Maybe there are so many more in denial about how they really feal that the try to make everything perfect.

Vee said...

Wow. Like several others who posted I googled, "I hate being a mother" and stumbled upon your blog. I feel soooo much comfort and relief hearing you all's stories. I'm a 24 year old single mother to a 2-month old and so far I hate every minute of it. I am sooo beyond depressed and feel like I am going to have a break down at any minute.

I cry everyday and my stomach is always knotted from worrying. I never in a million years imagined my life would be like this. I am a college graduate. Words can't express how much I miss my old life and wish I could go back in time. I feel like a failure and am embarassed of what I have become...a stereotype. I pray everyday for it to get better because it just seems to be getting worse. Thank you so much for this blog..

Kel said...

I am so happy to find this blog. I only have one child who's three, I work full time and my husband works shift work and is rarely home with us. I'm so miserable I sometimes think my family is better off without me. I'm short tempered and yell at them constantly. What I really want to do is pack up my bags and go live somewhere else. It's getting so bad I can't even stand to be touched by them. I feel claustrophobic when they're trying to hug me, or when my son hangs off of me. What's wrong with me? I'm so tired all the time that all I want to do is sleep. I will come home from work and sleep prior to picking up my son from school so I have some energy to deal with him. He's such a good boy, polite, caring and sweet. I don't know why I feel this way. Am I mentally sick to be feeling this way? This is just not what I expected my life to be. Thanks for starting this blog!!!

Becky said...

I am a 31 year old stay at home mother who is wasting her college degree!!! I have a five year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I too hate being a mother but I love my children. Befdore I had kids I was a very neat and organized person. I used to write and paint. But I have'nt picked up a paint brush since my son was born. There is no time for me. The old me died! My house is a constant mess no matter how much or many times I clean. The laundry is piled to the ceiling. I cant do it all. Too make matters worse I am five hours away from my family and am the first one of my girlfriends to have children, so I am utterly alone!!!!! My husband is a great father but he works constantly and I am alone most of the time. My marraige is a joke. We fight constantly and are both exhausted. This is not at all how I pictured my life to be.

Gareth and Steph said...

Like you all I typed in 'i hate being a mother' into google and found that I'm not alone. Some days I hate it and wonder what the hell I've done to my life, I want to walk out of the door and never come back, then i get more frustrated knowing I don't have that option, but many other days I feel very lucky and happy (but always exhausted!). It's tough and relentless, tedious and challenging. I wish that motherhood was appreciated more, I wish we were praised more often, helped and supported more and I wish we lived in a world where we weren't so pressurized and that we had more family and community support and greater recognition and help when we have to juggle motherhood with work. To all you mums out there, you're amazing and wonderful and doing the hardest job there is. Wishing you all the best, S x

lovelight said...

I join the chorus googler's who 'hate being a mother'. I am the single mother of a 17 year old boy and let me tell you, it's been hellish throughout the years (especially when you've mated with a "man" whose motto is "you bear 'em you take care of 'em). Each age-range brings its own challenges and they are all hard.

When they are newborns/babies you are in 'round the clock zombie mode. If you have to go back to work anytime before they are a year old your fatigue will be tenfold (and a good chunk of your pay will go to childcare - I did the math recently and found I had paid my sitter $65,000+ over the years!)

Then come the toddler years, when they begin to express their will (often in the form of tantrums - anytime, anyplace). They still wake you up in the middle of the night because they are scared, or want something to drink or puked or...(sigh) AND then there is potty training :)

Think you'll get a break in the school years? No chance. You still have to pay for childcare plus get up early to make breakfast, get dressed, drop them at school/sitter, go to work, come STRAIGHT home (no OT or social life), pick up your child from the sitter,DO HOMEWORK!!! (while making dinner and cleaning). Maybe you get to bed at midnight. If you're lucky the kid will zonk out early and you will leave the dishes 'til the next day (or the next) because you're greedy for any scrap of "free" time. At this age they still get their cranky attitudes (esp when they're overtired and sleepy). A wise man counseled me "don't fight with them, sedate them". So on extraordinarily challenging days a couple of teaspoons of children's Dimetapp was all that was needed to get him to sleep fast so I could regroup.

Next up 'tween and teen years. By now they've developed some interests and/or hobbies that you must pour your soul into (nevermind the interests YOU used to have that you no longer have the energy to pursue because you are now soccer/football/karate mom). Early teen years with boys can be quite hard...their testosterone is rising and so is their temper and willfulness (like the toddler stage only taller & stronger). By late teen years you may get a break if they have done well in school and have some sort of direction in life. But, if your teen is a slacker in school and imagines he'll be a child forever with mommy taking care of business, you are extra screwed because now you have this almost adult living with you, not contributing to the household and still making the same messes he did when he was a child no matter how many times you chastise him to clean up after himself.

Part of the problem in my household is our temperaments are different, my child is my polar opposite. I enjoy peace, quiet, solitude and he MUST have action, must be around people, is uncomfortable being alone. The lack of a father figure has hurt too.

In a perfect world I would have had my child (and maybe one or two more) in the context of a solid loving relationship with a responsible partner, but alas I have made my bed "hard" and am still sleeping in it.

Just great to know I'm not alone in not liking motherhood. I'm sure there are women cut out for it, I've met some. But it's not for me, nor for everyone. The motherhood myth must go!

Fun with UR pictures said...

I know exactly what everyone is saying... ME TOO... No wonder dad's usally leave and not come back... I would do that but my conscience won't let me. I love my kids too much, but I hate the job that comes with it...hate it with a passion. I am 44, and I have a 3 1/2 and 5 year old. My husband I split a few months ago, which actually made my life better by me putting him out.....
I can't even write anymore, I am so mentally exhausted its almost unbearable, I often think of killing myself, but won't. I couldn't do that to my kids, and have them grow up wondering all the WHYS to the reason mommy killed herself, but it won't stop, the pain in side, anxiety, depression (I had this before I had kids, its just getting worse)...I am just plain mentally exhausted !! My X doesn't take the kids for the night, just an after noon here and there on the weekend when he isn't out getting drunk and enjoying his freedom...i hate him severly, woman beater he is, that is why I had to get him out and away from me, I don't want my 2 little boys growing up in a household like that anymore, its not fair to them that me and daddy hate each other, its much more quieter and easier here with just the 3 of us and I can see it on their faces that they are more at peace and free........But my God being a Mother is the toughtest job I have ever had, and I had hard jobs all my life, heavey labour work..operating machinery etc and working shift work around the clock with sickening men that put women down...I am on a Man Hating Spree.... :)
But anyway back to being a Mom....Some women have it cut out for them, if I could do it over again would I??? I cant' say no cause then that would make my boys non existant and I love them, but....I defiently would have did it differently, and not married their dad and I have no idea what I am talking about right now..........*sigh*
I know everyone....I hate the job too...no matter how much I love my boys, with all my heart, I hate the job and the quilt that comes with it.....Sorry to all of you who are reading this wishing they could have children and physcially can't.....I could....and I am greatful....but....I am not doing so well in myself...I go to a doctor and physcologist to talk and get some help , but it doesn't always work.......
I can't shit by myself without someone yelling MOMMY I WANT SOME MILK....MOMMY HE HIT ME....MOMMY CAN YOU COME HERE....MOMMY........and then if anything ever happened to either of them and I lost them, I would do anything to just hear MOMMY again, I would do anything to have them sceaming and roaring in front of me and driving me nuts......OH MY GOD I AM DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY *CRYING*......FUCK Sakes.....excuse me ladies for the F word, but it seems to Fit.....Lots of prayers sent to you from me, and I am praying for myself as well..........

STRESSED OUT

OneCrazyMama said...

Wow, yeah, my kids are driving me nuts this week, too.

My 5 yr old in particular--absolutely horrible behavior (screaming, whining, picking fights).

They're all sick this week (ugh) so I understand (to a point), but damned if it isn't frustrating.

I had my first at 19 and have now, officially, spent my entire adult life as "mom". You'd better believe I'm going to warn my daughter.

I got my degree, and I'm not an idiot. Still, the stay-at-home-mom status, well, it's for the birds. No respect (no, lip-service doesn't count Mainstreeam Media).

I see people with the single life, who aren't broke, who get to travel--hell, people who just get to sleep in on the weekend without guilt and stay clean/neat/organized--and I get so jealous I could explode.

My oldest is an angel. He does his chores, he's polite, he's great about doing his homework. My other two--yikes. Sometimes, if I weren't a skeptic, I'd swear they're demonically possessed!

I'm looking foreward to them being older. Yeah, they're cute when they're sleeping but the Kindergarten and younger set is--let's say it like it is ladies--pure evil sometimes!

Moms get the short end of the stick. My husband says to me "I was at work all day"...and I say..."Yeah, I wish I'd been that lucky." Because he goes out to lunch with friends/coworkers, he gets kudos for doing a good job, he doesn't have to clean up vomit, or bowel movements.

I don't want to wish my life away. I hate those "cherish these times" comments, because they make me positively neurotic about it all.

One thing about it: when my daughter hits 3, I'm working full-time and she's going to preschool/we'll hire a nanny.

At home parenting is for the birds! I love my kids, but I **HATE** being the at home parent!

Only one more year! Woohoo!

prausefrau said...

Through my tears, I can only come up with thank you. While I could still see a few comments that seemed more typical, there were definitely some that felt as intense as my own emotions. The ones with lots of cursing, well I think we could be friends... I'm glad I'm not alone. I just wish one of you could move in next door - it's like stepfordville here...

marissy said...

Yeah sooo... our kids are lucky we can be real people . it is soo normal to feel this way about being a parent. I really like adults what can I say, I am happiest when I find some adult to chat with me and my partner doesnt count, he needs friends too. The best thing to do call your friends... Often search them out get support spend time with adults get some love so you can love your children and your self, you deserve it. I deserve it our kids deserve it. Do something interesting, even if its starting a moms group or writing in your journal or talking to yourfriends. Do something everyday for five minutes. Your soul is waiting for you. So much love to you moms, you guys rock.

Baltimore Girl said...

There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for being a mother and I must say I hate every moment of it. I love my daughter, but I sometimes wish I could run into a store real quick. I want to listen to music that has curse words sometimes. I want to watch shows that are not animated. When I get home from work, I sometimes just sit in the car because I know I won't be alone again until bed time. Even still my daughter doesn't sleep through the nights so she'll be in my bed before morning comes.

So what if you're not supposed to co-sleep. If that's the way we can both sleep a little longer I'll do until she's 18.

BrokenHart said...

I am relieved to have found this.I have a 10 month old daughter I have a hard time even looking at these days.I love her but I have to say I wish I had never had a baby.I am severely depressed my doctor has me on 6 different medications and I don't think they are working.I am also pregnant again with a boy that is due in 4 months and I am just sad about it.My husband works out of town 2 weeks out of the month and does not understand what I am going through.I didn't know motherhood would be like this.I miss my old life and am not adjusting to this new one.I love her I want to be a good mom but I am crying all the time and have anxiety through the roof all day about taking care of her.It's only going to get worse when the new baby comes.We did 5 years fertility treaments to have my daughter and then wham got pregnant on our own with this one so I should love her right?I don't think motherhood is for me but what else is there? I hate that I feel this way I wish I was the mom who gets up in the mornings makes breakfast with a smile and takes care of everything but I'm not.I am just lost these days.

Bahhhhhhh! said...

I am so glad to have found this site.
I thought I was alone and failing as a mother. I have one son of 20 months and he is a great kid. But he drives me mental.

You know actually I am not sure that it is him driving me mental, it is my life in general.

My husband works out of town Monday to Friday (God bless all you single mothers BTW, my heart is with you) so I am doing it alone all week. It is like I have lost myself, I try so hard to get some part of ME back, but I always come to a dead end. I am afraid that I wont ever be that person again and it makes me very sad. I don't get to shower alone, clean alone, go to the store alone, or poop alone. I feel like I am in my own personal hell. Not only that, it seems like in my world being a mother should be the all time best thing to ever happen in your life. Everyone I talk to just can't get enough of motherhood and I am nuts for hating it. It is like when I am with those woman, I really want to talk about something other then our kids and that is all they want to talk about. I am trying to find out where I am going wrong, why I am not as happy with motherhood as they are.

I feel alot better just typing it all out. I am exiting my breakdown now ladies. Thanks for reading, I also loved reading all your thoughts and concerns. Makes me feel like I am not alone.

keziah said...

im a single mother of a 8month old. i never seem to get a break and when my family members help me out i still dont get one cuz they are constently asking me if they can give him this or that or he needs a diaper change or vomited. its not actually giving me a break if u take him for 10min tops play with him and when he crys hand him over... umm thank you?... i too have thought of ending my life, i want to one day just get in the car and just drive away maybe get a motel room and just curl up and sleep for 48hours streight.

i will do anything so i can have the whole day and night just to myself but i feel guilty wanting a break and i feel that no one understand me.my mother was one of those raised 4 kids each a year apart and still was able to keep house clean have dinner ready and take us a bath every single night... i dont know what kind of happy pills they must of been giving out back in the day but i need some.

iv read other blogs saying how hard it is to raise more then one kid and i dont understand how they havent already gone nuts, when im over here with only 1 and about to have a melt down! and truly considering giving him up for adoption (not that i will becuz i love him too much)

if i ever were to even get peg again i dont care about what i beleive in but i wouldnt go through with it becuz im sure ill end up dead. sometimes i wonder why i even thought i could do this in the first place... damn mother made it seem as if it could be done! "if i could raise 4 kids 1 is nothing" what a bunch of lies! she just wanted a gandchild.

everyday is a constant battle im glad iv found this blog becuz it made me feel so much more normal then i thought i was

thank you mammas and i hope ur day is better then yesterday, i pay my day is :(

Hanna said...

Finding this forum is bringing tears to my eyes. It seems that almost everything does these days. I am married and have been blessed with two beautiful children ages 2 and 3 months, after years of infertility. I echo many of the sentiments that the mothers have posted on here. I love my kids, but I think I really hate being a mother. It makes me feel awful, like I'm a terrible person. There is no such thing as free time. I left a job I hated and felt stuck in about a year ago. It was an easy and happy choice to make. I'm at home with my kids but I'd rather be working a great job that made me feel like I was something. I used to be a smart gal and everyone expected so much of me, I expected more of me. I too have turned from put together, somewhat fashioable to barely getting out of my pajams most days of the week and hardly finding time to brush my teeth. I disgust myself. I take everything more personally then ever before. I hardly ever leave the house with the kids or I'd have to chase the 2yr old and worry about nrusing the 3 month old. As we speak the two year old fell asleep and I hope to God she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night and walk into my room. My 3 month old is on the floor cooing his month old sounds and I could care less. I just want him to go to sleep. Please just go to sleep.

Kitty said...

Well I don't know when this was posted or how I came across this, but this very day I hate being a mother and a wife.

I am not a stay at home mom. I am a college professor who balances teaching, researching and caring for my 18 month old. My husband is never home, and I am often times stuck with my child and all his screaming, pooping and Jesus knows what else. I have begged him to help me, but to no avail.

I never wanted children in the first place, and now because I decided to have a child instead of the alternative, I feel as if I'm being punished more and more each day.

I want to get as far away from this house, the child and my husband as I can.

I want to scream and cry and stomp and turn over the couch.

Instead, I'll just be thankful I am not alone.

Jessica Rabbit said...

I was having a meltdown so i looked up "I hate being a mother" on google just looking for something like this. Something so i can know i'm not alone and just a horrible person....
I love my son very much, but I hate being a parent in the worst way.It's not so much being amother I hate, but i'm stuck in a horrible abusive relationship. My husband just looks at me as the maid. our son doesn't sleep, and he's watched me go days without sieep. I've had Phnuemonia, and my husband still made me take care of our baby with no rest. I have no family or help. i clean the house all the time, and my husband yells at me saying i just sit on the computer all day and do nothing. That isn't true...30 minutes after i clean...the baby makes a mess again (he's 2 1/2) Our son is violent towards me. Throws things at me, punches me, hits, curses.

The man i'm with calls me every curse word under the sun. He tells me i'm childish all the time, and that i'm not allowed out of the house without his permission becauser i'm a mother. If i DARE yell or corect my child (For hitting me or throwing over the TV in a fit of rage) he comes out of his back room and screams at me me. He hasn't told me he loved me in 3 years...

He makes me truely despise being a parent. It's hard enough having a child, but he wont let me discipline this violent child, and it maeks me feel so helpless...

He laughs and thinks its funny when the baby throws something heavy at the back of my head, or things it's cute when he keep me up for days on end. I"ts abuse...

Im so tired of it. The whole situation. I just want to run away and leave the two of them behind sometimes, but i feel so awful. I find myself being so bitter all the time. I got pregnant way to young at 19. My life is ruined and over. I dread each day waking up.

He also treats my poor cats like hell. If the baby hurts a cat and they hiss at him or paw him (they dont even attack him ) My husband will kick the cat hard or beat them. iT makes me sick...

I can't even have 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If he has the baby next to him, and i'm across the room and the little one does something wrong he says "Stop what your doing and come here and take care of this" but when i do he yells at me "Why arn't you doing the house work you lazy whore"


I think i would like being a parent so much more if i wasn't with this jerk, but how do i get out? I'm stuck...no money, no car, i'm a stay at home mom..he wont let me go to school.


Being a parent is hard enough and i'm so miserable...and it makes it a million times worse being with someone who enjoys emotionally tormenting me...

he treats our son like gold (wich is good) but treats me like shit...

im so miserable with life :(

Celine said...

Dear Jessica,
I was actually the 4th person to comment on this post a few years ago "weekmomma" I didn't remember my password so i made up a new account.
But as I look back on the feelings I had, i regret some of the things I said..My son is now 4 years old and is a wonderful kid. I also now have a 5 month old that I love with all my heart.
It all has to do with who you choose to be with, if your son curses at you and throws things, I think you should get rid of the horrible man you live with. I know it's easyer said than done, but your the one who takes care of your child and your the one who has to watch him grow up to be someone bad. You shouldn't have to live like that hun.
I used to be on welfare, until I got up and got my diploma, i am now im my second year of University, doing a Doctorat, masters degree in Child Psychology/Pedopsychiatry. If I hadn't woke up and smelled the shit I used to call life, I'd probably still be in that hole of an apartment.
So take this advice from someone who cares about you, I dont know you but your story gave me goosebumps...Call your local social services and ask to speak with a case worker. Explain your situation and she will guide you to a better life.
That's the first step to healing...the second would be to get a place of your own and leave your man (Social services will help you financially).
Third step, is GO BACK TO SCHOOL! It was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. By going to school, the government will give you lones so you have enough to live and go to school (they encourage single mothers with children to persue their education and better themselves) so they will give you the money you need for your child also.
I wasn't in an abusive relationship, but my mother mentally abused me everyday so I woke up one day and the baby had made the smellyest, grossest poop ever and that's when I woke up...
I since then, met with my highschool sweetheart, we got together..Are now engaged to be married, we have another beautiful baby and we live a healthy, happy life...
I have two children, i work and I go to school..I'm not tired, nor depressed..I like the way things are and that's because I took CONTROL of my life..
You can too...
Good luck, and I really hope you will listen to me..You NEED to leave before its too late hunny.

Patricia said...

I just wanted to say I love you all, because I could have written any number of your posts on most days.

I was once motivated and together-- an object of desire for men and an envy of other women. I was a strong woman with peace of mind and aspirations. I have a graduate degree. I always worked and was a social butterfly.

Now, with a 4 year old and 2 year old, I have become the very opposite of all that-- grumpy, fat, and depressed. I feel like I have little more to offer the world than PB&J sandwiches, laundry, and wiping butts!

I recently moved into the "big city" and have started working a contract position from home. I thought it would help, but it is almost making it worse-- realizing more every day all the things I am not capable of doing! It is impossible to enjoy the restaurants and events my new city has to offer, and it is hard to juggle work with kids screaming and running around. How do other people do this? Crap, some days I can barely get out of bed, shower, and make complete sentences!

Amber said...

I wanted a baby and when I found out I was having one, I had a total nervous breakdown. Then I had him and I only got just a little better. 3 years on and I'm still not really liking this whole thing. I love him, would do anything for him, but I feel like I just can't stand one more minute of him. On top of that, I actually feel guilty about it after reading all of your posts. I only have 1 child, a husband who adores the kid and is home most nights to parent, I have no job other than being a mother and I've got help with the house and with the kid about 20 hours a week - not to mention he goes to preschool too. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get it together? I should have known I wasn't cut out for this before it was too late.

Charisa said...

I'm 19 and a single mother of a 13 month old boy. I'm also a full time college student. Everyday when my alarm goes off I push snooze. I HATE waking up in the morning....I HATE the way the first thing I hear is either an alarm clock or screaming. I barely remember the days I could sleep in, rub the sleep out of my eyes or pee before I thought of doing anything else. Now, I wake up and have to make sure everything is done for him before I can even THINK of myself.

Today, I had to wake up extra early for his doc apt. Took him to daycare and went straight to school...worked and worked and as soon as I get out I have to pick him up. Then if I even dare go anywhere in public, he acts a complete mess... My apartment is trashed...I could spend 7 hours cleaning it all, for it to be torn apart in 5 minutes the next day. I am completely overwhelmed, exhausted, and worn out. Most 19 yr old's don't have bills, car insurance, diapers...EVERYTHING to worry about, I do this completely by MYSELF. NO HELP. I hate this life I'm living and sometimes I think I am a complete failure.

Please do not get me wrong, never would I take it out on him, I love him- he IS a blessing and NONE of this is his fault...but when you think about motherhood it is a beautiful, rewarding thing....not at all what it actually is...

I used to have a nice body... I AM 19 AND I GAINED 60 POUNDS. I don't even have the time in my day to THINK about eating right or exercising...I AM MISERABLE. I know that I'm a good mom

...when we are out and he screams for 2 hours while my friends are staring at me annoyed....I smile, when he makes himself throw up everything he has just eaten after all that time I spent convincing him...I smile...Whenever he shits all over the outfit I just put on him when he has just had a bath and we are almost out the door, I smile, I change him and I go about it without a peep....but today when he fell asleep in the car...I pulled in my driveway and I just cried...I cried and cried and cried...because no one can hold this in forever. I am so patient with him that I am not patient with any other aspect of my life, I hate this. I hate what I have become and I feel extremely guilty because it's not his fault he is here, it is MINE. He is not doing anything that any other baby doesn't do, it is ME that just cant handle it sometimes...

This feeling will pass, just as it always does...And I will continue doing my best. I know I am a good mom, my child has everything in this world and I cherish him with my whole heart....but sometimes I just wish I could just go back in time...I'm stuck...

lmomare said...

I cannot believe I have found you all. On this Mother's Day, I keep going back to my fantasy: a one-room apartment watching SVU alone all day. I love my daughter, but this is not my thing. I am Sara from "Little Children" w/o the hot affair.

I am not the type of mother that takes 1,000 pics a day. I don't find most things she does at 2 1/2 years old cute. I work as a teacher 40 hours/week and cannot wait until Monday comes. Summer is hell for me.

When my husband asks if we can have another, I have the urge to chop off his testicles. F*** no. I would rather die. Having another child would put me in the nut house.

I recently started working out and going to Weight Watchers again. I lost 15 pounds, am a size 6 again and feel attractive again. That's been huge in keeping me sane.

I just don't get these freaky moms who eat this sh** up. I am glad to know I am not the only one at the playground who just wishes she had the NY Times to read and was driving home to my place. alone.

Shana said...

For the past 2 years since the birth of my first and only child I have been in a constant state of depression. I do believe that I was
never meant to have children and that it's a great tragedy that I realized it too late.
I love my son. I do. Unfortunately that doesnt stop me from wishing on a daily basis that I could go back and undo the last 2 years or so of my life. I hate being a mom. I loathe being a mom. I hate that i can't take a shower when I want. That i can't go out with my friends when I want. That going shopping is a mission that sucks the life right out of me. I hate that he screams about everything. I hate that he destroys everything I try to achieve. I had almost found an outlet of sorts for myself by going to the gym 5 days a week and leaving him in the kids club there. He managed to take that from me as well because he can't be civil around other children evidently. I have nothing now except for the endless days of screaming and crying while I watch my life waste away. I know it was my choice to have a kid but despite everything I have tried to make him happy I have failed at every turn. Motherhood has been the worst experience of my life and I can't do anything about it. There has not been one day since he was born that i thought "wow this is awesome. I am so happy your my son.". Everyday is misserable and I can't wait until its over. I was beautiful and skinny once and no matter how hard I try I will never have that back either. The worst part is that i love him enough to feel guilty for feeling this way so that overlaps everything else and it's a viscious cyle of regret. My husband wants another one and I can't bring myself to tell him 'no'. The thought of having this feeling doubled is enough to make me want to pitch myself off of the balcony. I feel genuine sorrow for other people about to have baby's because there is nothing enjoyable about it. It will take everything from you. Everything you loved about life and enjoyed will be gone. Thats what I think when I look at expecting mothers.

sarabi_j said...

I feel the way most of you have expressed....I'm just so incredibly depressed...I can't stand my life..I'm a single mother of a 2 12 year old..I am on benefits and I live with my parents.My life's a mess,my clothes are in a pile,I'm over weight,spend excessively to compensate for my misery which in turn leaves us broke the following week.Ive just started Uni doing a bachelors degree-but Do you think I can get any work done..NO I can't Im so consumed with self hate and worthlessness.I never thought I would end up like this..fat ugly alone with a child.She constantly shouts-and tells the whole family to SHUT UP -I never say this to her EVER...she doesn't listen to a thing I say,doesn't respond to any punishment at all....I just want to run away and leaver this fkn life behind,,but My conscience won't let me..No one gets it Except for you guys) My mother doesn't understand the feeling I have-I'm so afraid to be alone and NOW she has decided they might move so Ill be left alone ,,,I'm so intelligent when it comes to being positive,reading,self help..YES i know all that but it doesn't fucking help...I used to be so different..I feel I have lost all Love -Im just numb to everything-I don't have any passion at all left in my body...And yet I feel so guilty as there are people going through way worse...If I knew it was going to be this hard I wouldn't have gone there..He begged me to have an abortion,Men have it so easy,,no attachment at all..OH the joys of being a MAN..fuck this

sarabi_j said...

I feel the way most of you have expressed....I'm just so incredibly depressed...I can't stand my life..I'm a single mother of a 2 12 year old..I am on benefits and I live with my parents.My life's a mess,my clothes are in a pile,I'm over weight,spend excessively to compensate for my misery which in turn leaves us broke the following week.Ive just started Uni doing a bachelors degree-but Do you think I can get any work done..NO I can't Im so consumed with self hate and worthlessness.I never thought I would end up like this..fat ugly alone with a child.She constantly shouts-and tells the whole family to SHUT UP -I never say this to her EVER...she doesn't listen to a thing I say,doesn't respond to any punishment at all....I just want to run away and leaver this fkn life behind,,but My conscience won't let me..No one gets it Except for you guys) My mother doesn't understand the feeling I have-I'm so afraid to be alone and NOW she has decided they might move so Ill be left alone ,,,I'm so intelligent when it comes to being positive,reading,self help..YES i know all that but it doesn't fucking help...I used to be so different..I feel I have lost all Love -Im just numb to everything-I don't have any passion at all left in my body...And yet I feel so guilty as there are people going through way worse...If I knew it was going to be this hard I wouldn't have gone there..He begged me to have an abortion,Men have it so easy,,no attachment at all..OH the joys of being a MAN..fuck this

Sherri said...

Like many before me, I googled "I hate being a mother" & found this blog. I had my first child when I was 16 & raised him by myself for 7 years until I met my husband. He is 21 now & moved out. Now I am a SAHM of two girls, 3 & 1, & they are the most precious things in my life, but there are days that if I have to be a mother for one more second I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown or I just want to kill myself (even though I wouldn't actually do it). The redundancy of dealing with the same crap every minute of every day & never getting one single minute to catch my breath has sucked the life right out of me & I feel angry, depressed, frustrated & overwhelmed. I don't have ANY time to enjoy ANY aspect of my own life. My husband is a wonderful man & a great father, but he works 6 days/week 10-14 hours/day or more to support us. I feel very alone. I have no friends left because I don't have time for friends. I hardly see my husband & when I do he falls asleep while I am talking to him. I used to be a respected expert in my field (law). My opinions & ideas were sought out & valued. I used to be funny, smart, pretty, spontaneous, punctual, organized, & an overachiever. I had friends, hobbies & things I enjoyed. Most mornings I am so busy getting the girls bathed, teeth/hair brushed, fed, dishes washed, vacuum, laundry, clean up after breakfast, only to look down at myself & realize that I haven't got a stitch of clothing on! My hair is in a scrunchie right out of the shower & stays that way all day, I get to shave my legs once a week (if I'm REALLY lucky I will get to shave them both on the same day), not to mention my 3 y.o. likes to negotiate & argue her way through EVERYTHING. When I go out in public I am terrified & mortified b/c people are ALWAYS watching everything I do since my 3 y.o. old has meltdowns almost everywhere I take her, & when I am trying to deal with her for 30 seconds, my 13 m.o. squeezes out of her stroller straps & gets into something or hurts herself, and yesterday she wandered right out of the store into the parking lot! People stare at me & I am sure talk about me LONG after I've left the building. It's horrible to know that everyone is judging you. I try SO hard to be a great Mom, & with one public meltdown my daughter can make me look and feel like the worst mother in the world. I used to feel confident & proud of my abilities, & now I only feel like a failure, an idiot, a slob, embarrassed, ashamed & just want to disappear. I haven't been on a vacation or a date with my husband in over 3 years, nor have I slept in or had a day/night off to do anything I enjoy. If I did, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I like anymore, & I have no friends to go out with. Not to mention, we have NO money & can barely manage to pay our bills & have had to borrow money off family & even my husband's boss for months now. We just put our house up for sale & if/when it sells, I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea what it's like to take a shower in peace or to use the bathroom alone. But as annoying & aggravating as it is to be nagged at & screamed at every second of your life, if God forbid anything ever happened to them we would give ANYTHING to have it all back, so I try to remind myself of that when I feel like I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Some days I really hate motherhood & wonder what the hell I have done to my life & wish I could turn the clock back. Then there are those moments few & far between that make me so grateful to be a mother and to have these amazing little girls to love & cherish. Thanks for listening ladies & much love to you all. It is great to know we are not alone & to have people you can vent to who won't judge you (or fall asleep on you while you're venting LOL).

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Datrean said...

@Weekmomma/Celine. I couldn't be mroe proud of you. I read both your posts and I shed a happy tear for you. Way to make the most of who God made you to be. Your kids should be very grateful to have a mother like you. :-)

@EVERYONE else: I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I went to one other site before this one where a woman was pouring out her heart about the hardships of motherhood and she was called everything from a piece of s*** to a c***. Society is so hard on moms. Those who cave in to societal pressure live a drug dependent dishonest life. As a therapist I know firsthand that there are always people in every situation who learn better/healthier coping skills (i.e. Stepford Moms). But TRUST me when I say that they feel the same way most of us do. We are just brave enough to be honest about our struggles. Honesty is therapeutic. But I would hate for this to be a blog of brutal honest with not affirmation, encouragement, or direction. Having a baby is a GROSS interruption of life. EVERYTHING changes. Most times NOT for the better. It is stressful and difficult to adjust to. What we would desire is for our baby to be born and fit right in to what we've been doing all along. No resistance just utter compliance. But unfortunately for us they come and change EVERYTHING we've taken years to establish. But we have to encourage ourselves and love ourselves enough to know that we are NOT meant to live our childrens lives once they are born. We MUST have our lives resume, embrace our individual callings or vocations, and be assertive about doing what makes us happy. That is in no way selfish nor detrimental to our children. I used to think that if my son knew how much I wanted a break from him he would resent me and grow up to be a sociopath.LOL. But I've learned that being raised with parents who know exactly what they want and who achieve their goals are much more beneficial than secretly resentful moms and dads who gave up on their lives after having a baby. All in all the best way to love our children is to love ourselves first. I grew up with a mom who was depressed and filled with self hate. I ended up raising myself emotionally. SO although she was there physically I was still abandoned. Let's follow Weekmomma/Celine's advice and take back our lives. YOU ARE WORTH IT. MOTHERHOOD IS NOT SLAVERY! More than anything children need love, affirmation, quality time, and attention...not personal maids. Even as stay at home moms ESTABLISH your space and personal time. Don't waiver. Tell society to jump off a bridge if they tell you you're a bad mom for wanting your life back. YOU ROCK!!!

Datrean said...
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Datrean said...
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Datrean said...
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Brittany said...

When I read your posts it was like reading my thoughts. When I googled "I hate being a mother" I felt so guilty until I read what you wrote now I feel understood. Some people put on this show that being a mother is the best thing in the world, that there are no downsides and everything is wonderful. When the truth is some days being a mother sucks and it never stops, from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed there is no break. You have to do everything clean the house, do the laundry, make breakfast; lunch; dinner and do the dishes when they are done, clean up toys, clean up toys again and again, give the baths, change the clothes, change the diapers. Has anyone else been told " just think when they go to bed you can relax' I would like to meet the people who get to do that, because when mine go to bed its just the beginning. Then finally you get to go to bed and in a blink of the eye the alarm clock is going off and its time to start again. Some days after your kids have said "mom" "mommy" "mama" for the millionth time you just want to change your name. Thank you all for being honest and not pretending that everything is alway perfect.

Brieo said...

I'm so glad I found this blog. Today is a rough day for me. Right now as I type this my 9 month old is screaming from his crib. I've tried everything, fed, changed, tylenol, tummy rub. He had actually fallen asleep in my arms after eating so I put him down, stroked his forehead and walked out of his room, thinking "Thank god! Now I can shower" But no, he started screaming bloody murder. And I hate it!! I hate waking up in the morning because I know how my days going to go. When I've tried everything and he still cries, my adrenaline starts pumping, and going into fight or flight mode, and get beyond tense. My head starts pounding and I have to leave him alone. I can't take it. I want to be able to just sit on the couch and do nothing. Even just for 30 mins.
I'm going to talk to my doctor today and see if there's anything wrong with me. Because I'm sad every day, stressed every day, anxious everyday and dare I say scared. When I hit my breaking point I have had thoughts of harm, and I never used to be like this!! I hate it, hate it so much. I love my son to death, and get cuteness overload from him on good days, but it's just not enough to make me love this "job"
I want to feel normal, happy and healthy, and I want to like who I am inside and out. Maybe I never should have gotten into this, sometimes I think maybe this life of a mother wasn't meant for me?

gorrión said...

Oh gosh, I thought I wanted to be a mom someday, but as my mom always told me, "Once you have kids, your time-your life-is not your own." I guess I see what she means now. gulp. Now I'm thinking about going over to see/rescue some of my girlfriends and give them a break from their kids. Maybe my crabby sister-in-law is crabby for the same reason, too... I just wish she'd see me as a friend instead of a foe.

Meghana said...

What I don't understand is that didn't anyone do their homework before having 2,3,4+ kids within 5 years? Of COURSE you're going to exhaust yourselves doing this...

Lacey_Conley said...

My children are 3, 20 months, and 4 months. It is 11:30am, and I am tired of them. I decided to keep a little science experiment... I am keeping a log of how many requests they make in a day. So far, it's 16 requests in 160 minutes. For the math challenged, that's one request every 10 minutes. This does not factor in how many minutes the interruption took, nor any interactions initiated by me (such as diaper changings, etc). I feel like quitting this crap job.

Amanda said...

My kids are 5, 2, and 2 months.

My life consits of: my kids whining, fighting, wanting a snack, I serve the snack, I clean up the mess made from the snack, I think about how I can't wait until my 5 year old goes to kindergarten, my boys fight again, I think about leaving the house but then realize that the logistics of it are too difficult in the winter with a nursing baby, so I decide to stay at home, more whining and fighting, I start thinking about how many hours are left until bedtime, Oh! there favourite show is on TV - thank goodness - 21 minutes of peace, 21 precious minutes, just enough time to do something exciting like unload the dishwasher, I think about how nice it would be to be able to fold an entire load of laundry without hearing my kids fighting in the next room, the show is over, time to make lunch, I make lunch, the kids complain about what I have made and don't eat any of it anyway, clean up lunch, now the baby is up, I start to dread nursing her because I have to watch my other 2 kids fighting and tearing my house apart while I am doing so, I sit down to nurse the baby, my kids start saying that they are hungry - that's what happens when you don't eat lunch, I tell them that they have to wait until I am done nursing, they don't listen and start to make aof them always ends up spilling something, how many hours until bedtime?

It sux!!!!!!!!

fallxfashion said...

It's one thing to vent and it's totally another to say you HATE being a mother. I'm 23, a single mom and I live on my own. Being a mom is tough but I would never EVER say I hate being a mother. That's terrible, it makes me want to cry.

fallxfashion said...

And one more thing, your kid never asked to be born, it was your decision. Dont take it out on them because you wouldn't keep your legs closed.

J. Deane said...

I first found this post over two years ago. I have to say, that time was probably the lowest point in my life. Moving to a new place, new children, the isolation was overwhelming. I always read the posts that get added, and each time I see a little bit of myself in every woman who writes. Today, I'm honestly happy and my kids are fantastic and great source of joy in my life.
It's not easy in the beginning, especially in a day and age were motherhood isn't taught to us or passed down as the skilled trade it is. It takes time and effort and a lot of self-discovery and humility. But it DOES get better, and I think we all end up better people and better mothers in the end. Hang in there and know they love you.

Sherri said...

I, too, found this post a year ago when I was going through a tough time. It was helpful in that it gave me a place to unload my frustrations to other mothers who were going through the same low points as I was. Things have got a lot better since then. Motherhood is still challenging, and anyone who disagrees with that is either lying, does not have children, or does have children but has a ton of help, but my husband is home a little more now and the kids are a little older and we have moved and reduced our monthly expenses. All these things combined has made a huge difference for all of us and I no longer feel as overwhelmed as I did when I originally posted. To the self-righteous mothers who have posted on this sight to try and make mothers who are having difficulty coping with the demands of motherhood at times, shame on you. We all love and cherish our children more than anything in the world. However, we all go through hard times in life and need a safe place to vent to other people who can relate to what we are going through. I only hope that you self-righteous mothers who have judged us on this blog will never find yourselves in a difficult position and find yourselves being judged for venting your feelings. God bless everyone.

Sherri said...

And one other thing, to the posted who made the rude remark about keeping your legs closed and doing your homework before having children, there is absolutely no course in existence that can adequately prepare ANY mother for the true trials and tribulations of motherhood. I have babysat other people's children my who life, worked with children, etc., and NOTHING can prepare you for the non-stop day in and day out challenges that you will face once you have your own children. Even if you go into motherhood totally prepared, you can never be ready for every things that is thrown at you in the course of being a mother. Every day is a learning experience (that no "homework" could ever prepare you for) and some days are just plain hard. My oldest daughter was born with a medical condition that was only discovered through newborn prenatal screening and this was something I could NEVER have been prepared for, no matter how much "homework" I had done on being a mother. You have no right to say things like that to anyone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. But it sounds like you believe you are the perfect mother, better than any of us who have actually faced real challenges. And one last thing. It makes me curious how you even found this blog unless you actually googled "I hate being a mother" just like all the rest of us. Hmmmmmm.

jen said...

Thank you so much to all of you for being so honest and courageous to voice the hardships of having children. I am not a mother and have no desire to be a mother, because a)I just have no desire and b) I see my friends lives and know I can't do it. It is not that I don't love children and love being an Aunt, but I know that I can't do the job of "mom". All of your comments make me feel better for following my gut and not giving into the guilt of not fitting into the status quo.

Thanks for your courage and I really hope that parenting does get easier and that the good moments outweigh the bad.

lola1005 said...

I respect and on some levels sympathize with what many of you are going through. HOWEVER, children are not something that you are afflicted with. So my sympathy only goes so far. You all made the DECISION to make them and bring them into the world. And what I see here is a lot of women that either did not think that decision through or fell into the "this is what is expected of you"/"it's the most fullfilling thing you will ever do with you life" trap. The most puzzling to me are the mothers here and everywhere that have children back to back to back THEN complain about how hard it is. One of the mothers that posted here stated that she had four children ages 7, 5, 3 and 2 months old and was frustrated with being the primary bread-winner and being a mother. Now, I just cannot believe that motherhood and the financial burdens of it suddenly became an issue when the number of children hit four. This mother's life was hard with three kids and was pretty challenging with two kids too. Soooooooo, WHY KEEP HAVING CHILDREN???? Why keep CHOOSING to add more challenges to your life, have less time for yourself, your husband and the previous children?! It makes no sense. It's not going to get better with MORE diapers to changes, more late night feedings, arguments and tantrums, ladies. If having to raise one is a challenge and a bit of a regret then don't add babies 2, 3 and 4. No one should have to say this but, stop compounding your problems.

frances said...

I am also hating being a mother. I am a single parent to a 9 year old. Her father has not seen her in a year. Neither anyone in my family or his bother with my daughter. This is a nightmare !!!
I work all day and then she wants me to "take her somewhere" when I get home from work.
I am EXHAUSTED at that point.
She never winds down and I have started to sleep in my bedroom with the door locked. If not, I can't get any rest because she keeps coming in.
I was really beautiful before I met her father and have become a chubby mess.I never go out and spend most of my time carting her around. I really, really resent it.
And then I feel bad that I am resentful.
I meant well when I had her, but the days are endless. And to boot, she may have ADD as well ( Great!).
I will do the right thing with her, but I am not happy. I have to say it. And I think she's aware of it a little.
I am doing the best I can with what I have, but I really thought this would be a lot different.
I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. So, it's NOT just me......

Nimblicity said...

Thank you so much, everyone. I have had such a shitty day with my 5 month old compounded by a fight with my husband.

What am I complaining about? I wanted a baby, didn't I? My husband loves the baby and is home most nights (although late). But he never volunteers to change her diaper, he never gives her a bath (it "hurts his back", right, like it doesn't hurt mine?), never puts her to bed.

Baby sleeps through the night. Whoop di doo. During the day she cries and fusses pretty much constantly. Unless I'm carrying her. And walking around. And sometime even then. She hardly ever smiles or laughs. I've gotten so frustrated with the screaming that I've screamed right back at her and shoved the pacifier in her mouth not very gently. And I feel soooo sooo guilty for both things. How can I lose my temper and get angry at a 5 month old???

I used to hate my dad for having such a temper and not controlling it better. Now I understand it, but I don't condone it with either of us.

I feel so guilty about not enjoying being a SAHM and not liking my daughter very much some times. What kind of a mom am I? I sometimes think about running away. Leaving the door open so the neighbor can get to the baby, buying a plane ticket to Montana and just disappearing and never coming back.

I just can't stand the constant neediness and I know I'm in for a lifetime of it. I was so excited when the baby was born. Now I'm just sad. I just hope it gets better.

Kel said...

I left a comment on here a long time ago when my baby was small. He's almost 6 now and things are so much better! Please hang in there ladies! You are not horrible mom's and it's unfair but your husbands (of you have then) do become more useful and interactive as the child grows older.

I know it's hard! Know that there is someone you don't even know in this world thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Sarah Stephens said...

I re-read my last post and also read the post written by Jessica Rabbit. I did want to be a parent and my daughter was not a surprise. But her father became increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive the closer we came to my due date.
Eventually, I had to get orders of protection against him. The point is, I was able to leave, and although it has not been easy, I have a better relationship with my daughter than I have with anyone. And it is because of the sacrifice, commitment, and work involved in it. I also have grown to truly respect and be proud of myself because of all the things I had to face ( my mother actually blamed me and NOT HIM for the divorce). There has been amazing, kind people who have stepped in to help us. So, when things are hard, you find out who's really your friend.
I just want to say to all the mothers: we are allowed our feelings, as long as we still take care of the kids and don't vooice these things TO THEM. That's why I was glad to find this site.
I think a book should be written about what to really expect as a mother- good and bad aspects.
Things are better than they were a month ago, when I posted my other comment. Best Wishes to everyone.

SuzanneR4 said...
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SingleMum said...

It's so good to have a place to vent these feelings!
My daughter is 10 and I have been a single mum for five years. If I'd known my marriage would end, I would never have had a child. But even before it ended, my husband was no help, and it's totally ironic as he has a new baby now and is the complete opposite, so helpful!
I would never have another child, and I have found it so hard right from the beginning. The sleep deprivation that you suffer is a form of torture.
My daughter sometimes asks why don't I get a boyfriend. My God, she doesn't understand I have nothing left for a man. Motherhood sucks everything out of you. I can't handle anyone else making demands of me.
I look at photos of me when my marriage ended and now, and single motherhood has aged me so much, along with gaining 15kgs through comfort eating.
I get so depressed and spend a lot of time in bed. When my nerves are overloaded, I have to get away. Of course, my ex and my daughter just think I'm lazy.
Motherhood has become a lot easier over the years in some ways (those baby years are killers) but there are new challenges. My daughter will often go on and on and on about something and I just want to scream. My nerves get so frayed. She sees her dad once a fortnight but otherwise I have to carry the whole load. I do a lot for my parents as well and I just feel so sad thinking when does anyone ever do anything nice for me??
Like so many others, I fantasise about running away or ending it all. Of course, I love my daughter and thank God she is healthy and normal. God, how do parents of disabled children cope?? I cannot express the frustration I feel at having to say things over and over - Get off the computer, shut the back door, turn the TV off.
I am screaming inside, my nerves are so stretched. I feel like banging my head against the wall.
I just wnat to be left alone!! I want PEACE!

Mom of Four Beautiful Babes said...

SingleMum: I am so sorry! I saw your post today and am sending you a cyberhug :) I was a single mom as well for 6 years and it is definitely a tough job. Hang in there as best as you can during the rough days and know that there will be good days to come. And don't forget to take even a few minutes for yourself to read, have a bubble bath, or even to do NOTHING :). You are not alone mama!

Pat said...

Where do i begin? So I found this website dont really care if I don't get responses guess i just feel like venting and hate to admit it to a live person so here goes. I'm a divorced mother of 4 girls whom I pretty much raise alone. Although 2 of them are from a pass marriage and i do get some help with them at the end of the day its always ME. I'm not perfect i make mistakes meaning making decisions for me or them that sometimes don't turn out right. but thats a learning experience. I try to make the best of any situation and it sometimes it seems like its just not enough. I think at times I give my girls too much lead way and they take advantage. Lessons learned but yet they don't see that I try to be there for everything and its frustrating. The ages are 14, 17, 19, 22 yes now there older and it gets worse. We have good days don't get me wrong. But at times I just feel like running til I'm out of breath and thats not far.I just needed to vent so whoever is reaading this just pray that i continue to raise my girls so they can be strong women. Thank You

Pat said...

Where do i begin? So I found this website dont really care if I don't get responses guess i just feel like venting and hate to admit it to a live person so here goes. I'm a divorced mother of 4 girls whom I pretty much raise alone. Although 2 of them are from a pass marriage and i do get some help with them at the end of the day its always ME. I'm not perfect i make mistakes meaning making decisions for me or them that sometimes don't turn out right. but thats a learning experience. I try to make the best of any situation and it sometimes it seems like its just not enough. I think at times I give my girls too much lead way and they take advantage. Lessons learned but yet they don't see that I try to be there for everything and its frustrating. The ages are 14, 17, 19, 22 yes now there older and it gets worse. We have good days don't get me wrong. But at times I just feel like running til I'm out of breath and thats not far.I just needed to vent so whoever is reaading this just pray that i continue to raise my girls so they can be strong women. Thank You

Crystal said...

Wow! I never knew so many moms feel the same as I. I have a 3 and 8 year old and they are nonstop arguing and roughhousing. They are the definition of a love hate relationship. My 3 year old begs my 8 year old to play while telling on him at the same time. My 8 year old has to know everything, he's like a spy listening to my every word when he's not supposed to and deaf when I nerd him to listen. My apartment leaves no room to hide lol and there's running jumping yelling talking back one TV being fought over everyday I don't even know why they have toys they always want to play on my cell phone. When daddy comes home the kids are already asleep. I've by that time managed to clean up and find a few seconds to myself. So daddy decides to come home and throw his clothes wherever make himself a snack and not clean up his mess. I swear his aim in the toilet is as bad as my 8 year old. He doesn't understand how draining being a mom is. I of course love my kids and because I already have 2 I really don't want anymore kids so I have my tubes tied. I don't feel like this everyday but some days I just don't want to be a mom... and to the judging mother's you know sometimes you feel the same who are you to judge us honest mother's, you don't know our situations that can not even begin to be explained in a few paragraphs so take your noses out of the sky and be real. No, my children didn't ask to be born but I didn't ask to be a mother. Does feeling overwhelmed at times make me a bad mom? No, it makes me normal. Thank you to all the mother's for being open and honest. It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

India said...

I HATE BEING A MOM!!!!!!Between having my cigarettes broken up, my laptop pushed on the floor, and my hair pulled, I have to feed bathe, and nurture this little monster. Articulation and freedom are out the door. I can't get up and go like I use to or even have a good time. I remember posting on facebook once and I was rimmed out for feeling this way... THANK YOU FOR THIS BLOG!

Jessica "Wolverine" Metaneira said...

Everyone, thank you for your honesty.

I'm a 21 year old who never wants kids and it DRIVES me INSANE that people always try and convince me to have kids when I'm a little older. Even after I've described how I locked myself in my room when when my sister came over with my nephew because I couldn't take being obliged to interact with a squealing child any more. Apparently, the right thing to do is have kids I don't want, to please other people. There's also the issue that any kid of mine might a severe genetic disorder. But no, people don't care.

A childfree friend showed me this page. I think I'm going to start quoting it every damn time someone starts beleaguering me to have kids.

Unknown said...

Having a shitty morning or I guess it is afternoon now. I am 35 with twins who are almost 5. I hate this age with a passion! I have no life. My daughter thinks she is a freekin princes sand my son only wants to watch spongebob and play on the wii all the freekin time. I now hate the tv. Having the twins make me feel lazy and really depressed. God I am so tired. I love them so much but there are so many times I miss the days I had only animals. Feels like I am in the ocean and to far out to take a breath.

jayhawkfan said...

Like many others here, I do not enjoy being a mother. My son is 11 years old, has a very mild temperament, and is an excellent child 99% of the time. He never experienced the "terrible twos", he literally woke up one morning and was potty trained, and he is very compliant when given directions.

However, I do not enjoy motherhood at all. My son goes to his Dad's two days a week (sometimes longer), and I look forward to and treasure those days and dread his return. He just returned tonight after four days at his Dad's house, and let me tell you, it was heaven when he was gone. Within 10 minutes of him being home, the dreadful feeling of "ugh time to be a Mom again" returned. I am already counting the days until Friday when he goes to his Dad's house.

I know many Moms here have expressed frustration over the infant and toddler years, but my experience (probably because my son was such a heavenly baby and toddler) is that the school-age years are much harder. Homework, chores, constantly hearing "I'm bored", can be very wearing to the soul.

I am a business owner with a PhD, and my career has always given me much more satisfaction than being a mother. I find my identity in being a professional career woman, and wish that I had made a better choice when I got pregnant (not planned). I do not derive any joy from being a Mother, but I provide affection, stability, and discipline to my son just the same. I sincerely believe that I have very weak maternal yearnings, which I see as different from maternal instincts (if someone tried to hurt or hurt my child I would rip them to shreds).

I am greatly looking forward to 2018, when my son turns 18 and decides to pursue an adult path in life. I will not allow him to live at home when he turns 18, so I am looking forward to having my life and home back when he leaves home.

I can sympathize with many women here, and appreciate the honesty and vulnerability of those who have contributed. Our society does not look kindly on women who are not in love with motherhood, so it is nice to have a venue to express thoughts that are contrary to the societal expectation that we must be in love with being a Mom.

kristy said...

I am actually extremely relieved to come across this blog. I as well googled "I hate being a mother" and found this site. It has been very insightful and has made me cry to think that so many of us feel the overwhelming pressures of motherhood and are quite saddened and depressed by them. I too have had a hard day. Well a hard 3 days actually. I hve been suffering from a terrible migraine for 3 days now and I can't just lay down and let it go away, I hve to take care of my two very rowdy and high spirited boys who are 20 months and 3 1/2 yrs old. My husband and their father is deployed and I feel absolutely alone. When I tell him how exhausted and overwhelmed I am, he doesn't seem to give it much thought just always says hang in there sweety ur doing an amazing job. But I don't feel like I am. I feel horrible and don't enjoy my time with my children. I look forward to bedtime and naptime so much when I can have a little bit of peace. I hear all these other wives I know and they seem so enamored with the "gift" of motherhood and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me?? Discipline is so difficult and staying consistent seems to be impossible because unfortunately I don't know how to handle every single scenario that plays out in my home. Then I lay in bed at night get very little sleep and wonder how can I do things better and why isn't this how everyone said it would be? The most amazing gift you will ever be given is the gift of a child they say but I certainly don't feel that way.......

PrincessPeach said...

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Unknown said...

Just found this blog...I am 31, single and just became a Registered Nurse. Prior to me focusing on my career, I was in a relationship and got pregnant and decided to abort the pregnancy.
After reading the opinions of various different women, I applaud myself for my decision.
I have a niece who, after her mother had her(in the attempt to keep a man)...and all the excitement died down of having a baby...she left the baby in my mothers care. The "baby" is now 8 years old, and has never lived with my sister once...
But for some reason, I get more flack for having an abortion, than my sister...who had a child and never raised it.
I spend so much time with my niece, picking her up from school, doing her hair...etc., that people assume she is my child.
My sister comes around for holiday's and birthday's...and then she is gone again. And society looks at her as "complete", because she has a child....but never raised it.
This may be the ego defense mechanism of "intellectualization"....but motherhood and the idea of having a child always seemed sooooo unfair to me.
Men (the other half of the equation) simply, have an orgasm and walk off.
Women...(sometimes never have an orgasm) get pregnant, gain weight...and have to go through a labor (that I've read was one of the most frightening experiences in a woman's life).
At 31 years old, I never loved a man enough to go through all of that, and I feel I love myself enough to not go through pain...



Just my thought.

notforme said...

I'm glad I found this post. I'm 39 and not a mother (married less than a year). I recently cared for a little boy from 5 months-18months on a part-time basis (I also have nieces and nephews). And while I love and adore the aforementioned children, I do not want to become a mother. I just don't have the patience, energy or desire for a child (I use to want 1 child, but not anymore). I have a lot of respect for all you mother's out there....that shit is hard

Momof3 said...

I can't express how relieved I am to find other moms who feel the same way that I do. I have three girls 9,7, and 5. I am looking forward to all of them being in school, and me finally getting some "me" time.
I have been a SAHM for 7 years now (thanks to moving across country away from all my family, to be near my husbands family which they dont help out at all so now I'm alone.) My husband works 12hr night shifts and sleeps all day. and when he is home he's not really.Thankfully he is now in recovery from an addiction.
I am so exahusted from dealing with years of medical problems from my 7 yr old. she's been under the care of speech therapist and psycologist since she was 3. Now it uroligists and hospital visits, xrays,and ultrasounds. My kids fight, argue, hit, bite, etc. And since my 7 yr old won't listen to me now the 5 yr old is following suit. I just want to bang my head against the wall. I feel so bad for thinking the way I do. There are days when I wish time machines realy exsisted so I could go back amd change things. The only thing that is getting me through is I'm hoping when they gt old enough maybe I can reason with them and hey can understand what I'm saying. Almost everyday I wish i could change my name fom Mommy and check myself into an instiution. I can only hope that one day I can look back at these years and realize that it was worth me loosing my sanity. Thank you all for admitting and not hiding behind the "being a mommy is the best" lines. For the first time in almost a decade I don't feel alone in the mad house of a world.

colorme said...

omg! thank you for I am not the only mother feeling this way!i know its time for me to take a kid free week break. i have a very spoild 7 year old daughter that is changing moods with the wind.i am a single mother, of an only child, i have to be her mother, friend, sister, her brother non stop 24-7 on call person, not to mention i raise her sober no wine at meal time LOL. there are moments i am not sure if i have a 2year old or a 7 year old. i love my little girl with my heart and would not trade her for anything. however i hate being a mom more days then some. i know its selfish however i am one kid and done...glad to know i am not alone, i am another fulltime mother counting down the days my child is grown!

Danielle Alana said...

You wrote exactly what I was thinking. Its like I was reading my life in your comment. I have a 3 and 2 year old and I'm just so far gone. Ive lost myself, my sense of worth, confidence, motivation, everything. I never wanted children and though I cant describe the depth of the love I have for them I just cant get myself to enjoy being a mom. I'm angry and aggravated on the days I'm home with them. I work 3 days a week and for the first time in my life I can not wait to get to work. I don't know what to do anymore. Just like you said I am always thinking about just leaving them with their dad and going. I just càn t bring myself to do it for fear of what my family will think of me. Why is it so wrong that I want to take a break and male something of myself again? I don't think id leave forever I just want to pursue my dreams and build a successful life so I'm not struggling to make it from one paycheck to the next. I want to have friends and connections, I want to be someone. I am so happy to have round this blog today.

Storm said...

Bed.Made.Lie

That is all.

Holly Jennings said...

It's so encouraging to know I'm not alone in this! My hubby and I had our first child 1 year ago. Before that, I was on the fast track to success through college and then my career. Our only responsibilies were to make money and play.
After I was laid off from work, we decided to start a family. We were lucky to make it on one income so I could be a stay at home mom (Home and Life Coordinator I like to say.) Yes, I'm trying to find a good balance so my baby, husband and I can each have individual time, but it's HARD! All mothers whether conventionally working or not, strive to give their child what they need. I love my sweet baby, but when I'm with the little guy 24/7, his constant need for attention, his whining, his messes and his back breaking strain on my body make me want to quit some days!! And I hate women who act like motherhood is heavan on earth.
And sometimes I feel like my hubby doesn't quite get why I struggle to hold it all together: my personal up keep, the maintence of our home, care of our pets, grocery shopping, cooking and making it to appointments on time.
I think it's healthy to vent about not liking motherhood. Why should we be expected to like it overnight? We have wants and needs of our own. We had lives before baby. And although certain changes inevitably are made for a child, we shouldn't all together throw away who we are.
Thank you all for sharing.

Amanda Nelson said...

I feel bad for all the mothers out there, especially those who let society talk them into doing something they were not interested in. I've never had that urge or desire to have a baby. In fact, I can't stand babies.

My current significant other is much older than me and has two stepkids and one son (who is 16). He mentions kids and demands that I have to have some reasonable explanation as to why I don't want one and then says I'm lying to myself just because I don't want to explain it for fear of insulting his view of what "being a woman" is. Well, fucking excuse me if I think that's the stupidest way to define a human being is by whether or not they have children or want to.

Maybe I should let him read this page. Motherhood sucks. I really wish it was easier to get a permanent form of birth control at 26, but doctors are assholes.

I can just imagine myself being completely miserable with one child, much less more than that. I'm perfectly happy and content with the way my life is. It's not even that I like to go out and party, either. I like my quiet time at home with my two cats, the freedom of coming and going as I please, making decisions to do things when and how I want them. The LAST thing I want is to be needed to the extremes a child will demand from me.

What pisses me off the most is that a lot of people think that you're not a "complete person" without a child. Who the hell ever defined what being a "complete person" is? If it wasn't God, then fuck 'em. And for all God cares now, we're done populating the world.

I really do wish all of you the best, especially those of you who are in abusive relationships. And it's not that I don't think kids can provide good experiences, but I think a lot of people forget that BABIES are a lot of WORK, they turn into CHILDREN that are learning to think for themselves (which causes the WHINING, COMPLAINING, SCREAMING, etc.), who eventually become ADULTS that have to learn to live their lives through trial and error (and will want to come live with you again when they fail), and that once you are a parent, you can never GO GACK to NOT being a parent.

It's definitely not a decision people should take lightly, especially in this day and age where being a parent is a lonely task.

Kimberly Ramirez said...

Its 2013 im 28 and I have no clue how old this blog is or how old some of these posts are but I am relieved to find such honest women. I have for some time felt like some kind of freak for not enjoying mother hood. I have a 2 yr old son and while I dont regret him for a min. He is a handful and mother hood has honestly been a struggle since day one. I felt like some kind of failure.I originally never wanted children. But my hubby desperately needed a baby. So I gave in to pls him him. While he is great with him and very involved I def. Do most of the work as he "works" all day and is tired when he gets home... like what I dont do is work being a sahm. Before my son I was a lot prettier, always had makeup on, hair done, dressed nicely ( it was just me and my dogs, and hubby) Now im a slob, and im disgusted with myself. I had never planned on kids but always wanted a career and freedom. Im someone who likes organization, cleanliness, and peace and quiet. Well all that shit went out the window. Ive now become a lost depressed person who struggling everyday with dep. And anxiety. I desperately want to gey better not just for myself but for my son. Now, I hubby has sprung that while our son satisfies him, he would really prefee him not to be an only an only child. WTF!!! I cant imagine starting all over again holy crap the thought of this terrifies me ! Im worried my decision to be one and done will have a negative effect on my relationship and my son being an only. Honestly though im sick of tryin to pls others. I had my son due to pressures from my husband and society and wow what an eye opener. I would jump in front of a bullet for my son but mother hood is a hell of a lot harder than I ever expected. My husband doesnt get it one bit, he escapes everyday and doesnt have to deal with crazy hormone after child birth. I just pray all works out with my mental health, my relationship, and son is a happy and all around healthy child and adult.
P.s. im now considering med and starting therapy to get back to the way I was before. Not all of this stems from being mom, some has to do with ppd and ptsd and an axiety disorder.

Fed Up MOM said...

I am 46 years old, and already am in the teen years with two girls.
It was enjoyable being a single mom, up until a few years ago when their expectations rose, expenses surpassed, etc.
Now I get attitude, disrespect, stress, anxiety, ... the list goes on. I truly think my kids dislike everything about me, and I go back and forth between wishing they would just move out, and hoping they change before they do. I get no financial support, expenses increase with ages and interests, and there are days I want to walk away, throw in the towel.
I have regrets. Many. I used to have a life and have friends, laugh, smile, go out to dinner... I lost all of that over the past 10 yrs or so and now I'm just too depressed to make the effort.
I took all this time providing what I had so that these two people would be taken care of, and I have nothing to show for it anyway. Do I wish I never had kids? My cats are easier, and a lot nicer.

jen brown said...

So sick of being a mother!
I started my day with a bowl of spilled cereal-least I have a dog to clean it up. My boys fight constantly. I hid in my bedroom pretending to get dressed so I didn't have to listen to them. Because of that my 8 year old missed the bus. Now he is yelling at me to bring him to school because it is my fault. I can't deal with this anymore. I am not going home tonight until they are in bed. I can't stand the yelling, fighting and constant noise. My husband just yells from the couch and plays on his phone-when he is home! I used to be so fun and happy. Years of being shit on has taken it's toll. I am miserable. I'm done!