Mental health issues, parenting and other desiderata

Mental health issues. Why do they have such a stigma in our culture? No one thinks badly of a diabetic needing insulin and nutrition counseling or an asthmatic needing an inhaler. Why then is there a stigma to mental health issues. They are just as real, just as debilitating as a physical disease left untreated. And yet, we think that we should just shake off the depression, talk ourselves out of the anxiety that we know is out of proportion.

Besides that, everyone is a little bit crazy at times. Everyone needs a sympathetic ear, a sounding board. Marriages can always benefit from an outside viewpoint, especially since communication skills aren't something we learn is school. Even if your parents are great at communicating with each other, it doesn't mean you will be, or that your spouse won't feeling like clobbering you if you say something like "And how does that make you feel?"

I think as a parent, mental health is even more important. If parents go off the deep end, we risk passing our issues on to our kids. Case in point, my entire freaking family. Hello, they have more issues than the New York Times. But god forbid you actually try to deal with them. Oh no, that gets you shunned and accused of breaking of the family. "Why can't you just forget about all that?" might be wailed at you.

Still, it is the brave ones who admit they have problems, that get their asses in therapy and work on being as healthy mentally as they are physically. My mother was one of the brave ones. Hell, she ended up becoming a counselor herself, although she never practiced. So you would think that perhaps I would not be afraid of the stigma, would have sense enough to realize that I can't pull myself out of this funk. But no. I suffered through postpartum depression without ever saying a word because I stupidly told myself I had to suck it up and take care of my babies by myself, like a big girl. And now, I find myself dealing with it again. Well, not postpartum depression as I haven't grown a watermelon or two in my stomach for a while.

This time, it seems more like anxiety issues. I've always known I had some weird triggers. Telephones and people being late are biggies. But more and more it is carrying over into other things.
The state of my house (which I can sanely state isn't that bad). But the kids' rooms just make me want to sit down in the floor and cry. I cannot even stand to stay in the girls' room long enough to put up laundry. And yet, I feel anxious when I'm playing on the computer instead of cleaning.
My writing. Can't write if I won't even open the damned document. But I feel like I'm neglecting something else, something that might be more important. Like scrubbing a fucking toilet. After all, I'm not getting paid to write and might not ever see a paycheck for it.
My horse. I can barely stand to look at her right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to ride her again. Or any horse, for that matter. And I'm avoiding the issue by not even going over there. But if it dries out, I'll be riding the lesson horse on Sat., even if all I do is sit there and cry.
Money. Huge issue. The idea of going shopping makes me want to hyperventilate. The girls' birthday is coming up and I haven't done a damned thing to get ready for it.
My kids and the noise and messes they make. Which leads us to my second topic.

Parenting. If someone had said to me before I had kids "You know kids make messes and scream and yell and carry on like heathens most of the time, don't you?" I would have looked at them like they were an idiot and replied "Of course I know that. It's part of having kids. They scream and yell and drive you crazy and leave crap all over the place. You deal with it. That's part of being a parent."

So, my kids scream and yell and act like heathens and leave messes. And it's driving me crazy. But I'm not dealing with it. I scream and yell and tell them to clean up or I'm going to throw everything away. I tell them to go outside if they want to be loud. The worst of it is that I've realized in the last few days that I can't even enjoy them laughing and being silly. The sound of your child's laughter is supposed to be a joyful one, right? Well, it just gets on my nerves. I just want them to hush.

I want to wake up to something besides the sound of them fighting. I want to eat a meal without them laughing over fart jokes. I want them to be able to pet the damned dogs without screeching "Whose a good girl?" at the top of their lungs. But most of all, I want to be able to enjoy the sound of their laughter again. I know parents are never happy about the mess and the noise, but I'd like to be able to at least deal with it without feeling like I'm going to lose it.

I don't want to listen to the chaos and wish I was back in my college apartment with just me and the cat again. After all, I spent many a lonely Friday night wishing that I wasn't alone, that I had found The One and had kids and messes and noise. I know being alone is worse than this. I don't want to be alone again. I want to enjoy my family again.

So, what am I doing about it? Um. Well, I've looked up some phone numbers for therapists. I even found one that has horses. Having a phone phobia kind of sucks at times like this.

I'll keep you posted.