So, the manwhore has an appointment to get snipped. It will be 3 weeks from tomorrow, and I admit to having mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I am ecstatic about it. No more keeping up with cycles or remembering bc. Yay! On the other hand I want to run after him screaming "Noooooo!! Don't do it!"
I know that he is done, he doesn't want any more kids, ever. He is 41, nine years older than my tender 32, and he's done. Besides, I think he has felt a huge amount of guilt over me spending 6 weeks in the hospital, having 2 c-sections, being huge and uncomfortable and then in lots of pain. He told me before Sam was even 6 hours old that this was it, he wasn't going to do this to me again.
And, I know that not having any more children is the right decision for us. We have plenty of time and money for the 3 we have. Another baby would mean we would probably need a bigger house sooner rather than later, and there would be less money for dance, soccer, horses, etc.
Yet, I still can't help but feel sad that I will never again know that thrill/terror that comes from seeing a + on a pregnancy test. I will never again grow a baby in my body, a miraculous event, and one I treasured both times. Never again will I snuggle a baby up to my breast and nurse it. Never again will I experience the magic of watching a child of mine learn to walk and talk and tell knock knock jokes.
But, I know that another baby would most likely mean another c-section, and I just can't do it again. After the last one, the morphine pump wasn't cutting it, and when the nurse had to massage my uterus, I was screaming. I sobbed when they moved me from the stretcher to my bed (this was what had Bill saying never again). In retrospect, I'm wondering why it took them so long to bring me different drugs. WTF?
I turn into a spineless bag of mush after having a baby, and I cry over every fucking thing. I don't want to put my kids or my self or my husband through that again.
Besides, we finally have our bed back (mostly) and our sex life is better than ever, and I feel like I am finding ME again after being nothing but a mommy for the last (almost) 5 years. And I'm finding myself looking forward to school starting in August, because the three kids I have are getting on my nerves.
But dammit, I still want another baby. Even though I don't. Fuckitall.
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5 comments:
Aw sad and happy at the same time. Just remember that you are more than lucky to have 3 wonderful and perfect kids. Some people wish their whole life for that. Be thankful for what you have and don't try to push your luck again. . because face it. . having babies is not the easiest thing for you. Screw those lucky people that can squirt them out in 4 hours and be running marathons a week later! ha ha. Just think. . you can have fun worry free sex now. . ha ha ha.
When I had my tubal, even after all of the hell that I had been through, I went through a period of mourning.
Just go with it. Mourn. Feel those feelings.
Just yesterday I went to see my most favorite cousin in law who just had a baby boy. Even now, not having breastfed a baby since January of 2001, when he cried, I felt my breasts tingle. And the cry of a newborn baby always brings tears to my eyes and makes my nose sting and prickle.
But if I had it to do over again, I would still have the tubal. No regrets.
You know, I do think that is what it is. Mourning the loss. Because originally we wanted 4 kids, and now it just really isn't meant to be. I think, too, that some of it is mourning the picture perfect pregnancies and births that I always thought I would have, and dealing with my feelings about how I feel like my body betrayed me, to an extent. Yes, I feel that way, even though I have 3 healthy kids.
So, I don't really want another baby badly enough to go through all of that again, and it makes me mad that having a baby means "going through all of that again" for me.
Also, I never ever thought I would want to give up the chance to change my mind, and I think I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the permanence of it.
But, I will.
I understand, I'm kind of going throught the same thing. YOu don't want more kids, but you hate to give up on the possibility of more kids. That and babies are just so cute and snuggly.
i love this blog!
amygdala
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