When someone is describing your child to you, brain damage is never in the list of things you want to hear them say. Even when the person keeps repeating that it is mild, it really doesn't matter because it can be overcome and it won't really affect her life. But, brain damage is indeed what the physical therapist has said about Em. We haven't had an MRI, yet, so it isn't a positive diagnosis. But, she has one of the tell-tale signs. The toes on her right foot curl under instead of out when her foot is rubbed.
The odds are, that it is because she was a preemie. The PT said it could be that they didn't get her intubated fast enough or something. I don't know. It was my understanding that she was only working too hard to breath. It could have been a minor brain bleed, but again, we were told the brain ultrasounds were all clear when they had them. So, we will probably never know what caused it. I do wonder, though, if whatever it is, is also the reason for her mild hearing loss.
But still, I have moments when I am wracked with guilt over it. Deep down, I blame myself for them being born premature. So, I blame myself and feel guilty for Em having problems. Everyone wants their babies to have the best start possible. Well, sane people do. And when they don't get that, well, here comes the guilt.
The thing is, though, that the PT says that Em will over come this. Already she runs pretty normal, when 6 months ago she couldn't run at all. And even if we did nothing in terms of PT, Em would still have a pretty normal life. She just wouldn't be very athletic. And lots of people aren't athletic.
But still the guilt. And it comes in moments when we sign her up for stuff that is athletic and will challenge her. Yesterday it was on the way to the first day of ballet class. We're going through the Y, so I wasn't expecting pressure to perform and for a nice laid back atmosphere. And it was. But with the PT's warning to make sure the teacher was all about positive reinforcement and such, I was worried. And guilty. And a little teary eyed. Wishing I hadn't done X, Y and Z when I was pregnant with them so maybe the outcome would have been different.
But, ballet was low key. They both had a blast. And quite honestly, I couldn't tell any difference in Em's abilities and El's or the other little girl's. They all seemed to be about the same to me.
So, ballet goes on. And it will help her physical therapy, too. Lots of working on balance and such. And hopefully the mommy guilt dies.
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2 comments:
Do you remember when my girl was 3, we were told she was developmentally delayed and had to E.C.E.H.--early childhood education for the handicapped? She didn't even say "mama" until she was 26 months old! She wasn't potty trained until she was 4 1/2. And her small motor skills were nowhere near what they should've been. I had a horrible case of mommy guilt. I was so angry at my body for not doing the basic thing it was designed to do. I honestly thought she would be a walmart people greeter and that would be all. So take a deep breath, and know that it will all be just fine. The only difference I could tell in Em and Ellie's development was that one was a little shy around me and afraid of Pebbles.
You are doing just what you need to be doing and you've been doing what you needed to be doing too! You are caring for your kids the best that you are able, you are getting Em the attention she needs from the PT and loving your daughter. I hope I've given you some absolution from your guilt and you are able to enjoy your parenting more!
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