I never thought I would be one of those parents.

Well, actually I am, depending which one of "those parents" you are talking about. No food dyes and as much organic and natural food as we can afford and very little processed food? Yep, I'm one of those parents. We recycle and compost, too.

I haven't jumped on the no tv bandwagon though. I should, but it is so easy to let them veg when it is cold and rainy out or they don't feel good, etc.

But, now I'm one of those parents that is sweating about getting her kids into the "right" school. You see, I have discovered that there is a charter school in my town (which is basically like a private school, except it is a public school, so no tuition, if you can get in). And this charter school is a fine arts academy for elementary kids. Foreign language in kindergarten. Dance, sculpture, music, all in kindergarten. Who wouldn't want their kids to go there? Obviously some people don't, but I do. I was big into the arts when I was in high school and college and would love love love for my kids to be able to start in elementary. Did I mention the string orchestra starting in 4th grade? Choir auditions open to all grades?

But, they have 60 slots for kindy, and usually about 200+ applications. First preference is to siblings of current students. 2nd is to county school students (which we are). 3rd to city school people for the next town over. If you make it through the screening, then you are put into a lottery. And I can't imagine what we would do if one dd got in and another didn't. Surely they would be tied together so if one got it, the other would, too? Since they are twins and all. I can only hope.

Applications are due at the end of the month and it will be March before we are notified if they get in.

Oh, and going against us, they prefer kids with a birthday after June 1st to consider waiting until the next year to apply. But, dds have had 2 yrs of preschool, and I think they would be bored in a 3rd year of it.

And now for something I would never mention on my mommy message board. Dh and I are pretty durned intelligent. I was in gifted programs in school and still bored out of my mind most of the time. I suspect our kids will be just as intelligent. I don't want them to be bored in school. I want them to be challenged and to be excited by it. I think this school would do that for them.

I want them to get in this school so bad I can't stand it. Whaahhhhh!

Men.

Don't you love how much emotion a woman can convey just by saying "Men!" Add the sigh or the eyeroll and you know all men are on her shit list. A smile and men are wonderful. lol

Tonight, my man is frustrating me. He needs to lose some weight. I am working on being less fat and I don't have all the health problems hanging over my head that he does. Besides, I like for him to sleep in the bed with me and I just can't deal with the snoring anymore. So, we've slept in separate beds for most of the last year.

But, I'm worrying myself sick that he is going to have a heart attack. He is so high risk for it. That, or he's going to develope type II diabetes. He has such a strong family history of that, I think it is probably inevitable unless he lose the weight soon.

He says he's trying to lose weight, and maybe he thinks he is, but to my eyes, it seems like he's not doing much about it except making lots of excuses. So, I want to kick his ass. Lovingly, of course.

Om, motherfucker.

So, I'm trying to become a more serene person. I really don't want my kids to look back and remember mommy yelling about every little thing. And I do yell, quite a bit actually. Way too much, in fact. So, I'm trying to cut down. Being serene seems like it would be a good thing. But, I'm an emotional person and easily frustrated. Om, indeed. Deep breaths, peaceful visualizations.

Speaking of om, my yoga class was overflowing tonight. Its the new year and everyone is trying to get healthy. Lovely. Now get the hell out of my class. lol MINE ALL MINE! lol Seriously though, the bendy little teenagers make me jealous. Of course, I was a bendy little teenager at one point, too. Now and I fat and in my 30s.

What really bruises the ol' ego is the old lady that walks the track that can smoke by me like I'm standing still. She wears tights and shorts, too, and she has smoking hot legs. I tell myself that its because she's taller than me, because I was walking fast enough that if I had gone any faster I would have been running and she still was passing me out.

Health, happiness and the flow of time.

So, it being a new year I am newly motivated to work on getting skinny again. I am most annoyed with myself that I let myself gain back about 10 lbs. So, I'm having to lose that first and then lose even more. I know that I should want to lose weight for health reasons, blah blah blah. But in all honesty, I want to look hot in a bikini again.

Now, I am fully aware that this may never happen without surgery, as I have been very fat, had twins while very fat and then had an almost 11 lbs baby while only slightly less fat. The skin on my stomach will never be the same again. But it would be nice for people to look at me fully clothed and think that I would look hot in a bikini.

Also, I would like to be able to shop in pretty much any store I want (or can afford) and know I can buy clothes off the rack. Right now, I'm in a 16, and most stores generally only carry through a 14, or sometimes a 12 unless they have a plus dept. Even then, the selection is smaller and usually looks like stuff my grandmother would be caught dead in.

I want to be able to pick out a hot cocktail dress for the Xmas party and it look good on me. Even the hot cocktail dress at Lane Giant this year looked like crap on me. I mean, what designer in her right mind designs a dress for fat chicks that is a halter top that no bra will work under, has an empire waist (think immediatley looking 6 months pg) and shows off the back (ie back fat)? It was horrible, and I wear the one of the smallest sizes LB carries. No offense to women who wear a 28, but no one that fat should be wearing that dress.

So, anyway, back to the healthy eating and getting more exercise. And, I have realized, that I feel so much better about myself when I am doing this. Not because of the weightloss, but because I just feel better. More energy, no heartburn, no bloated from too much salt, no guilt from eating stuff I know is bad for me.

Not to say I will never eat stuff that is bad for me ever again, but through the holidays it seemed like that was all I was eating.

So, it is making me happy to be back on track with my eating and lifestyle in general.


On to the flow of time. I have come to believe that there is something about having children that causes the flow of time to speed up. Remember when summers used to last forever? And Christmas took forever to arrive? That doesn't happen anymore. Things are over almost before I have a chance to enjoy them. The last vacation we took went by so fast that when we left, I didn't even feel like I had been on vacation at all. Hell, it went so fast we didn't even get many pictures of it.

The last thing that took forever for me was the 6 weeks I spent on hospital bedrest when I was pg with my girls. It seemed like it would never end, at the time. People would tell me that one day I would look back and wish I had time to lay in bed all day and I thought they were crazy.

Then I was in labor and those hours and the ones before I got to see dds were some of the longest of my life. I thought in that first day that the time before they came home would be unmeasurable, but it was over in a blink. Another blink and we were having their first birthday party. One minute they were tiny, 2.5 lbs preemies, then we were terrified as we brought them home weighing 4.5 lbs. And then they were sitting up and talking and even though they were late walking and meeting some milestones, it wasn't long before they weren't babies anymore.

Now they are pain in the butt 4 yr olds and I wonder every day where my babies went. I miss the times I spent holding them all day in the recliner. Now they aren't still long enough for more than a quick hug (unless they are trying to butter me up for some reason).

Adding ds has just speeded up time even more. I swear it was just yesterday that I found out I was pg and now he is 19 months old. He was a baby just a blink ago and now he's walking and talking and pitching temper tantrums.

I've been told it only gets worse when you have grandchildren. I can't imagine and I'm not even going to try. It goes by too fast now.


So, I believe that you have to hold onto every hug and as many moments as possible. I don't plan to enjoy temper tantrums and stomach viruses and scary dreams that have them crawling in my bed at 2am, but I do plan to try and remember that even the worst moments of parenting are fleeting. And the best moments just simply fly away.

Oh my god, the toys!

My parents just delivered the last of the Xmas cack to our house. We had so much stuff, we couldn't get it all in our van when we came home. rofl So, my parents loaded up their suv and brought the rest up. So now we have more toys to figure out where to put. Dh has declared that we have to go buy some storage unit or something to put it all.

I think I am declaring a moratorium on new toys until we move some of the old ones out. The only problem is, they actually play with most of their stuff, at least occasionally. So, it will have to be sneakily, while the chillens are at school. So far, they haven't missed anything I've gotten rid of in the past, so I figure they won't in the future. Mean mommy. lol

Ballet and brain damage

When someone is describing your child to you, brain damage is never in the list of things you want to hear them say. Even when the person keeps repeating that it is mild, it really doesn't matter because it can be overcome and it won't really affect her life. But, brain damage is indeed what the physical therapist has said about Em. We haven't had an MRI, yet, so it isn't a positive diagnosis. But, she has one of the tell-tale signs. The toes on her right foot curl under instead of out when her foot is rubbed.

The odds are, that it is because she was a preemie. The PT said it could be that they didn't get her intubated fast enough or something. I don't know. It was my understanding that she was only working too hard to breath. It could have been a minor brain bleed, but again, we were told the brain ultrasounds were all clear when they had them. So, we will probably never know what caused it. I do wonder, though, if whatever it is, is also the reason for her mild hearing loss.

But still, I have moments when I am wracked with guilt over it. Deep down, I blame myself for them being born premature. So, I blame myself and feel guilty for Em having problems. Everyone wants their babies to have the best start possible. Well, sane people do. And when they don't get that, well, here comes the guilt.

The thing is, though, that the PT says that Em will over come this. Already she runs pretty normal, when 6 months ago she couldn't run at all. And even if we did nothing in terms of PT, Em would still have a pretty normal life. She just wouldn't be very athletic. And lots of people aren't athletic.

But still the guilt. And it comes in moments when we sign her up for stuff that is athletic and will challenge her. Yesterday it was on the way to the first day of ballet class. We're going through the Y, so I wasn't expecting pressure to perform and for a nice laid back atmosphere. And it was. But with the PT's warning to make sure the teacher was all about positive reinforcement and such, I was worried. And guilty. And a little teary eyed. Wishing I hadn't done X, Y and Z when I was pregnant with them so maybe the outcome would have been different.

But, ballet was low key. They both had a blast. And quite honestly, I couldn't tell any difference in Em's abilities and El's or the other little girl's. They all seemed to be about the same to me.

So, ballet goes on. And it will help her physical therapy, too. Lots of working on balance and such. And hopefully the mommy guilt dies.

Birthday sex.

My poor husband. He has a birthday coming up. 41 big ones. His birthday request? For my parents to babysit and for us to get a hotel room. Not for the night, since he knows Sam isn't likely to do well away for the night. Just for the afternoon. So we can have sex. The poor guy wants to get laid bad enough that he wants to rent a hotel room.

Now, we are married people and renting a room shouldn't be necessary, so I'm feeling a little guilty here. I know we aren't lighting the fire too often. In fact, we doing good to manage it more than about 3 times a month. But I thought what we were missing in quantity, we were making up for in quality. Seriously. Sex has never been better.

We've done quantity before. Back when we were trying to get pg with the girls, we did the do it every other day until you know you are past ovulating thing. Only, for a lot of months, I wasn't ovulating at all, so there were many times when we were doing the deed with really being interested. After a couple of months of that, it quickly becomes a chore best gotten over with quickly.

I would much rather be at the point we are now, where when we do come together, it has meaning and mind rocking orgasms. Even if it isn't very often.

But apparently, he thinks it isn't enough. Actually, he said he always feels rushed, like we have to get done before Sam or one of the other kids wakes up. And yes, that sucks at times, but I know it won't be for long. I mean, I don't expect to ever totally relax with them in the house, so in about 20 yrs I expect to have totally relaxed, let it all hang out and express myself as loud as I please sex again.

So. Apparently we are having sex for his birthday.

Post holiday blues

One thing about all the holiday traveling and gift getting is the having to put it all away. Two suitcases and boxes of new toys await me, yet here I sit, delaying putting stuff away.

All in all, though, it was a wonderful holiday. Lots was given, lots was gotten, some less fortunate were helped out, so all was good.

Fil acted like an asshole, though, which was the only dark spot to the holiday. But I chose to ignore him, so I'm not going to talk about it any more.


One toy was a bit of a disappointment, though. The Barbie Dancing Princesses dance mat game. The graphics are so hard to see that I doubt they will ever learn any dance moves from it. I'm contemplating taking it back.

And the leap pad farm fridge magnet is going to drive me crazy. No fault of the toy, which is actually quite cute. But dds keep fighting over it and it's not even their toy. lol

Well, the house won't clean itself.