Before I dive into the deep thoughts, I want to say that we walked out of Target at 9:30 last night and holy crapdamn, it was snowing! It's too early for that shit. No accumulation or anything, but it was shocking, nonetheless.
Now on to the deep thoughts.
I have gotten back into my yoga routine, going 2x a week most weeks. I can't believe how much I missed it, and how much yoga improves my attitude. Now I'm generally a fairly happy person anyway, but regular yoga helps to smooth out the tendency to get snapish, because I do also have a tendency to get snapish.
Last night at the end, she had us sit with our hands in a bowl shape. This lets us fill up with blessings. I get a little sentimental this time of year anyway, because I freaking love the holidays, but it just hit me really hard last night in yoga class how blessed I really am and I was fighting tears. This came in the wake of having a crappy day on Wed, so it was especially profound.
But, I am so thankful for my life.
I am thankful for my family. For my children that love me and are healthy and bright. For my husband that loves me for who I am, unconditionally. He likes my off kilter sense of humor, he doesn't care when the house isn't spotlessly clean. He is supportive of my writing, has made it possible for me to do things and have things (neigh!) that I thought were years away.
I am thankful for our house and the piles of kid clutter. I'm thankful for two cars that run well. The dogs that chew everything up, the cats that puke on the floor.
I am beyond thankful that my parents are still healthy and have many years still with us, and so does my grandmother.
I'm thankful that my husband has had to work late this week, because he has a well paying job with a company that is stable.
Things are just very, very good for me, for us right now. The economy is in the shitter, but we are ok. Better than ok, I think.
The only dark spot in my life this year has been with my in-laws. I've bitched about them on this blog, complained about them in real life to some people. They hurt me and Bill both quite extensively and you don't get over that kind of hurt over night. I'm sure they were hurt, too, but I felt like we apologized to the point where we were apologizing for being who we are and not just for a thoughtless action.
My father-in-law has never apologized for his part in all of this, and honestly, I don't think he ever will. And that has been a bone of contention with me, especially since one of the things he said about me was that I am self-centered. Egocentric people don't recognize that their actions have an impact on other people and never feel the need to apologize for them.
Anyway, it has been a long, hard year in dealing with them, with my own feelings. Bill and I have had some of our biggest fights because of this. This situation has been a black cloud hanging over an otherwise pretty much perfect year. Quite frankly, if it weren't for Bill, I would have washed my hands of them. I could have walked away and never laid eyes on his parents again and not batted an eye. I also probably would have held a grudge against them for the rest of my life.
But, they are my husband's parents and while he has been hurt enormously, too, he still loves them and wants to give things a chance. So, I've had to deal with them and everytime that has stirred up the hurt all over again and I have been unwilling to forgive them.
Well, I am letting go. The wounds are not healed, but holding onto the hurt was simply keeping them fresh. Things will never be the same between us, I don't think. But I refuse to keep hurting myself and Bill by holding onto the grudge. They are who they are, and while my inlaws may never be people whom I consider "my cup of tea" they did manage to birth and raise the man who is the other half of me. Clearly they cannot be all bad. So, I am forgiving them for the hurt they have caused me. Not for them, but for myeslf and my relationship with Bill and for my children who have remained blessedly unaware of all of this and still love them them with open hearts.
'Tis the season, after all. And I'm going to embrace it with both arms.
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2 comments:
Great post. Good for you. It is nice that we do get reminded to remember what we are really thankful for during this time of year. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this myself lately. My only hope is that I can hold onto that for the whole year, not only during the holidays. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the stuff that doesn't matter, that we forget the things that matter most.
Nobody in our family can say that we are underprivileged or wanting for anything. We are truly blessed. Although we all have our hard times we all know that if need be we have backup. And not everyone can say that. Even though all of us don't always get along or see eye to eye we still have each other no matter what and that is priceless.
Just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how blessed I am to have you guys in my family and I love you all very much!
Happy Thanksgiving!! And we miss you!!
Lovely. Thanks for that.
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